I hate smoking the most. I don't know why most of the men know clearly about smoking's harmful effect, but they still smoke. Even they smoke too much like one or two pack of cigarettes per day. The important thing here is that smoking is not good for health. First, it's the main cause of lung cancer. Most people have lung cancer are men because of smoking too much. Secondly, they also have very bad breath and it makes other people feel uncomfortable. Likewise, Smoking makes their teeth more stained and dull. In addition, people smoke in everywhere, other people near them will be affected because of inhaling smoke. Then they will be ill or have another disease related to throat or lung. That's why i don't like smoking!
If the prompt of your essay is 'Smoking effect' then I think your reasoning is good. But there are several mistakes:
'I don't know why most of the men know clearly about smoking's harmful effect, but they still smoke'. I think you should write the sentence in a more clear way, for example: I do not know why many men still smoke although they know clearly about the negative effects of smoking.
Secondly, your reasoning is good, but the supporting is fairly poor. You should take examples familiar to you about people smoking and the bad habits, bad effects... they receive from smoking.
And finally, I think you should write the essay in parts and every reason would appear first in every part. For example, part one start with "smoking is the main cause of lung cancer" and then you write sentences supporting the thesis. That would make your essay longer and more reliable.
@ vangiespen: can you help me over with my revised essays :)
Trang, I will be truthful with you, I don't really feel your essay. Is this assignment or app essay? What is the word limit and the topic?
1. Let the first paragraph be your introduction. Something like---> 'smokers are liable to die young, are boldly written on a packs of cigarette but reading and knowing the adverse effect of smoking to the health. Yet, people still indulge in smoking, some people do smoke two or three packs daily. I not only hate smoking because of the health effect but also it contribution to environmental pollution, the discharge fume affects human life indirectly as it contribute to the duplication of the ozone layers.
2. The second paragraph should contain one point. It won't be nice to start with firstly. Start the second paragraph like this---->' A dig into the number of lung cancer case reported yearly, one can basically estimates that smoking contributes to larger percentage of the reported cases. Despite the fact from the lung cancer statistic, that the main cause of lung cancer is smoking, many people still engage in the act. This which results to untimely death of smokers that can make positive impact to the development of the society.
2. I won't like you to start another paragraph with secondly, it sounds somehow. You can make it like this---> In addition, apart from lung cancer. Smokers usually have bad breath and teeth stain, that make people around them feel uncomfortable. The bad breath and teeth stain contribute negatively to their social life, as people feel uncomfortable associating with them.
3. You can then add a concluding paragraph.
Hope I help.
thanks to all. i'll correct my mistakes