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IELTS - "having heaven gift is offering a better a chance"


letsroll 1 / 1  
Jul 19, 2011   #1
It is generally believe that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and other are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that ant child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.

Discuss both these view and give your own opinion.


Since having created, mankinds have still been evolving in various ways; as a result, we can see some who have a talented skill are born. Some people believe that genius may be given as a birth naturally whereas others insist that youngsters can obtain a good ability by training. In my point of view, it can be seen that children can derive high capacity from education.

It is quite obvious that certain people born with their faculty are most likely to success in their fields. Teaching talented children helps their capability become more reinforced if children have a great talented ability, for instance, Mozart, who was maestro of classical music, was able to play piano when he was 3years old, his father was also a famous musician at that time and he was jealous to teach music to his son. By doing so, Mozart became one of the most influential a musician through centuries in the world.

On the other hand, some feel that the youth can reach their high objective without a one's natural gift by providing them with superior education, in this respect, people are these day able to have a look at many achievements by our heroes on earth. For example, even though Albert Einstein, who was often regarded as the father of modern physics, had difficulties with early speech and solving mathematics problems when he was an early child, he was awarded the Nobel Prize in physics and left behind remarkable achievements

Given both side of prospects, it is quite clear that having heaven gift is offering a better a chance to our sons and daughters in order to be successful their areas. However, I believe that it is far more important that they can be improved their own growth as much as we teach them with better educational environment.

thank you for reading my essay so far. I already knew what My English is really poor, so I need your help.
the leaf ninja 9 / 28  
Jul 19, 2011   #2
Hi there, here are some of my opinions regarding your essay:

1. You can read your introduction again and try to make it simpler to read. I mean, for example, this sentence

"Some people believe that genius may be given as a birth naturally whereas others insist that youngsters can obtain a good ability by training." can be " some people are believed to have natural genius while others can only obtain exceptional ability through a long period of training.

Though, I think in your introduction you have not made it clear that ANY child can be taught to be a genius and refute the idea that not any child can become a genius. Also, in giving response to this type of question, you can save your answer and just only give it at the end of the essay (in conclusion), after you have discussed both points of view. Although I think it is not so important but i was advised that.

2. It is quite obvious (believed) (you can be sure about this) that certain people who were born with their mental faculty are most likely to success in their fields.

3. Teaching talented children helps their capability become more reinforced if children have a great talented ability, for instance, Mozart, who was maestro of classical music, was able to play piano when he was 3years old, his father was also a famous musician at that time and he was jealous to teach music to his son. (the example is great and interesting but this sentence is wordy, you can try to break down it into 2 or 3 sentences)

4.On the other hand, some feel that the youth can reach their high objective without a one's natural gift by providing them with superior (good) education (or training, in your introduction you mentioned training as well) , in this respect, people are these day able to have a look at many achievements by our heroes on earth. For example, even though Albert Einstein, who was often regarded as the father of modern physics, had himself difficulties with early speech and solving mathematics problems when he was an early child (REALLY?), he was awarded the Nobel Prize in physics and left behind remarkable achievements. (what this for? you can exclude this)

(you have here a paragraph with only 2 sentences, again, you can break them to more sentences. I was advised by Kevin, the admin of this forum that " a shorter sentence is like a smaller bite... easier to read, easier to bite" :)

4. Given both side of prospects, it is quite clear that having heaven gift is offering a better a chance to our sons and daughters in order to be successful their areas. However, I believe that it is far more important that they can be improved their own growth as much as we teach them with better educational environment.

(GOOD CONCLUSION)

IT SEEMS TO ME YOU HAVE A GOOD ESSAY AND YOU HAD GREAT IDEAS AND YOU HAVE SUPPORTED YOUR ARGUMENTS WELL ENOUGH. JUST PRACTISE MORE AND YOU SHOULD BE FINE WITH THE TEST.
OP letsroll 1 / 1  
Jul 20, 2011   #3
thank you so much for your big advice. It is pretty helpful to me.
ekekek 25 / 51  
Jul 21, 2011   #4
seong~ Here is some advices from my perspective.

1.In the first para., you mention that "In my point of view, it can be seen that children can derive high capacity from education." It's clear that your essay should be focus on the latter educaiton rather than nature talent, you para.3 should strenghten the argument.

2.para.2 and 3 use the same way to argue, opinion+example, I think you can more changable.

Katie


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