Time consumption issue
Nowadays, many people are always arguing to themselves how to balance between the time spending on earning money and the recreation time. Time consumption for both these purposes have approximately equal importance so we could not take this one and leave the other. This essay will discuss the pros and cons of two aspects.
Human are trying much more than ever to get their determined attempt in this mordern world, they are going to school to get higher education, spending their precious time to get high score in every single test with illusion that they are on the top of the world and one of the important things for this effort is making more money in the furture. Money seems to be the indispensable condition to maintain the life, paying for the monthly bills or using money like a tool to demonstrate their abilities their power but the currency have meant nothing if you do not have the time for spending them. You will soon realize that how time flies so quickly and you just desire for turning back the hands of time to get more free time for the other things such playing with your children or spending more time for your own hobbies ...
Besides, having much more free time is very harmful for the youth generation, the youth should be kept busy because the idle hands are the devil's tools. They will be neglected on the way to explore wealth of knowledge of the mankind and may get struggling in some social issues or be indebted without keeping track on work to earn money.
So in order to have an ideal life, we should learn how to balance between making money and entertainment even knowing that there is still much controversy.
Hi there @Ann_Ng
You didn't provide the complete essay topic so I don't know what type of essay this is. However, in the introduction you stated: This essay will discuss the pros and cons of two aspects. That means for 2 body paragraphs, each must describe both pros and cons of one aspect. I see that these 2 paragraphs of yours are not balanced.
Many of your sentences is lengthy and confusing. Also the main point of each paragraph should be right in its first sentence. Consider rewriting them to clarify their meanings. Focus on conjuctions connecting the sentences in body paragraphs to create a smooth flow.
Adding more academic words to your essay helps increase band score. Besides there are wording mistakes, such as:
- currency is not a synonym of money
- the indispensable
youth (noun) young (adj) generation...
There are more mistakes that can be easily found out. Just correct them in your own way.
Hope you find my comment useful.
Hello there. Welcome to the forum. I'll provide you with writing feedback on this essay. I hope you find this beneficial for your learning skills!
First and foremost, I suggest trying to simplify your language in portions of the text that requires precision. Being straightforward in key aspects (ie. when you're introducing your thesis paragraph) would help you build up your essay's own structure and thoughts. Say, for instance, the introductory sentence. Try paraphrasing that on a simpler level to ensure that you have a smoother delivery.
Secondly, try not to overexplain parts that would require you to be simpler. The second paragraph needs to be more tailor-fit to ensure that it suits the entirety of the essay. Avoid being too all over the place. Merge your thoughts into a concise and simplified content - and you'll be a more effective writer.
Best of luck as always.
thanks for your comment