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Having an outstanding career and satisfying family life are the main desires of all human beings

mahdinurianto25 6 / 12  
Jul 28, 2016   #1
IELTS Task 2 : Maintain a successful career and happy family time at the same time

Enjoying life is our principal intention. In identical period, society desire achieves favorable both career and family life. The primary problem of this phenomena is paid-labor suffer from burn out. It is suggested that the most viable solution is to educate human beings about attempting focus management in their routine life.

The most obvious problem associated with reaching successful both career and family life is bad exhaustion and horrible frustration. That is to say that people have restricted time and endowment to use in their daily life. For instance, according to research from University of Tokyo, in 2010, 80% of citizens who live in Jakarta, Indonesia accomplish their undone-jobs in their leisure period. This results in psychological stress and repulsive cynicism being suffered by employees.

A long term solution to this predicament is to cultivate wage-earner about undertaking focus management. Such a technique requires worker to focus and accomplish one task in one time. With this approach, people can accomplish tasks done productively and efficiently. For example, In 2014, 70% of office-employees in Berlin, Germany can take joy in their family time and done their jobs excellently. Those paid-labors do and focus on one work in a time. What is more, their jobs are accomplished effectively and savor their "fun time" with their family.

In conclusion, having outstanding career and satisfying family life are desires of all human being. Since such ambitions make people to suffer from burn out, appropriate measure, such as educating people to do focus management, should be attempted. It is imperative that stakeholders and individuals should take this into consideration.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jul 28, 2016   #2
Hi Mahdi, welcome to EssayForum :)

With regards to your essay, I can see that your essay has already well-structured and well-developed. This is a good start in learning IELTS writing. However, there is no perfect writing after-all because I still notice some rooms for improvements. I hope that some suggestions from me would be beneficial towards your writing skill development.

1st paragraph:
- You have written a strong paragraph here. You have clearly mentioned the thesis statement and the outline of thesis statement. This brings a significant impact for "coherence and cohesion" part.

2nd paragraph:
- It is unfortunate that in the last sentence you didn't write any conclusions. Not only is concluding paragraph that is important, but also concluding sentence (to conclude a paragraph). This is one of the criteria in Coherence and Cohesion part. I assume that if you want to reach band 6 or above "a clear overall progression" is needed.

3rd paragraph:
- It is indeed the same issue as the above-mentioned feedback for your second paragraph. Yet, some additional corrections related to capitalization and grammatical issue should be found by proofreading your essay several times, especially in tenses usage (the same issue as above).

4th paragraph:
- It is a nice conclusion that you have there. It is pretty clear and understandable in which you have also mentioned a recommendation in the last sentence of this paragraph. Well done!

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