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Havisham: My Story based on the Poem Havisham

Adamking120 1 / 1  
Feb 25, 2010   #1
Dark green pebbles for eyes. She sits there. Hatred and fury over shadowing her, depressing others with her presence, she cured. Her yellowed dress, once gleaming bright, dangles over her chair like the drapes of a curtain, droopy and old. The chair, occupied daily, and is smothered by the dangling yellowed dress, the tired, worn, yellowed dress. Her hands, old with rope like features to strangle the one she loves, the one she loathes. She slowly moves them towards her dress and snaps it up with fury and anger as if she was fearing what would happen if it had been left dangling, like she was left waiting, waiting for love that would never arrive. The chair screeches as she moves as if it knows what is expected from her at any moment, an outburst of pain and torture which she has kept locked within herself for so long. For too long. The pain and anger builds as the wait increases the wait for her love, her tormentor.

A week later.
"Beloved...sweetheart...Bastard..." whispers Havisham to herself.
"Who you speaking about Miss Havisham?" Nervously spoke her maid.
"Let me tell you about my story of love, devotion, fury and disrespect, and how it has tormented me in my mind and drained me physically for all there years." Spoke Havisham with a hint of anger yet relief to finally be able to speak about the horrors of her past.

"Sure, I would be extremely grateful for you to tell me of your past and what you have kept locked within yourself for so many years." Said the maid with a hint of joy.

"Okay, here is how it begun, this wasn't just an average day for me and my love, it was our wedding day. I had awoken with joy and excitement. I slung the quilt onto the floor and leaped from my bed rushing around the room, confused, wondering if this day had really come? Was it just a dream? I did not know."

"I proceeded walking around the room planning for what shall come. I was wondering what to do first? Wash? Clean? My mind was full of questions repeating throughout my head, irritating and distracting me from my requirements. I eventually calmed down and the excitement began to drain away whilst I was bathing but filled with nerves, forcing me to worry about my smell and looks, hoping everything would be perfect, oh how I fooled myself into thinking this...my error of trust for the one I loved. I slowly climbed out the bath making sure nothing went wrong, an accident on my wedding day is really not what I wanted, so I then proceeded to dry myself and began to apply my make-up, not too much not too little. I wanted it to be perfect. I began to irritate myself with the constant worry and fear which tormented my mind into a slight depression, also making me regret this wedding, however these were just thoughts of anger and emotion, I was not thinking properly. I felt this wedding was destined to be a disaster, not from my love, but from my own mistakes, how wrong I was. After I had plastered my face with make-up I continued to put my wedding dress on, the one which will eventually become yellowed, filled with hatred. After checking myself in the mirror for quite some time after putting the dress on I set off on my journey to the Hairdressers, where my hair will be cut, to the style had wished so that I look perfect for my love. I believed that bastard would love me to! After this visit to the salon I went back home awaiting the arrival of my family, who I would later be embarrassed in front of, betrayed."

"I sat there alone, waiting for them to arrive, the nerves and stress built up ever more and created a whirlwind of questions throughout my mind creating a depressing atmosphere which evolves around me, there was a bang, quite a loud and furious bang, then two people walked through the door in unison. My family had arrived, more and more arrived through the door eventually creating a total of 7 people. Mum, who was very beautiful for her age, many men were jealous of my dad for being so lucky to have her as his wife. Dad, a shortish fellow with big round glasses, not much of a looker but he was a charmer, he charmed my mum with his love, such as the my soon-to-be husband had charmed me, oh how he lied to me...then there was the other close family who came my brother, sister and their husbands too also my Grandmother was there even if she was on her way out of this world."

"It was nearing 1pm, the time of my wedding, the chauffer had not arrived yet, he was late, I was getting stressed, the anger built up inside and yet more questions revolved around my head, will I ever get there? Will I be late? I was getting extremely nervous and my family could sense it. They offered to take me up there with them but I refused, I would not be mocked by my arrival in a car that is not worthy for a wedding, I would be made a mockery. So we held on for a further 5 minutes, He arrived, we heard a nock on the door, He apologized for his lateness and seemed like he was in no rush to get here. We clambered into the limousine excited, yet nervous. Butterflies swirling in my stomach, I cried. Wondering if it will go well, if I looked perfect for my wedding. Constant questions revolved throughout me, bugging me and stimulating my nerves.

This is not the finished copy, i placed this onto this website as i feel my english teacher is not correctly grading our group's essay, i am in top set and the majority are getting low grades, i got an E grade for this piece, when i handed it in to my teacher it was completed but i lost the finished piece of work on my computer due to a malfunction. So please could you tell me roughly what you would expect of a piece like this carried on at that standard until the finish. Thank-you.

I am also a year 10 student, this was a piece of coursework.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Feb 26, 2010   #2
It might not be good to begin with an incomplete sentence:
With dark green pebbles for eyes, she sits there.

Hatred and fury over shadowing her, depressing others with her presence, she is cured.

use a hyphen:

I'll add some commas here:
I eventually calmed down, and the excitement began to drain away whilst I was bathing, but I was filled with nerves, forcing me to worry about my smell and looks, hoping everything would be perfect. Oh, how I fooled myself into ...

this is very enjoyable to read! You are a great writer, but you make some mistakes. I suggest Strunk and White's Elements of Style to make you an expert writer!
OP Adamking120 1 / 1  
Feb 26, 2010   #3
Thank-you, i am only 14 years old and my english teacher gave me an E grade for this piece, but i handed her a full copy, thank-you for your comment, it is much appreciated.


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