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HAWAI'I VOLCANOES NATIONAL PARK


mdamanhuri77 22 / 35 3  
Sep 29, 2016   #1
A giant Volcanic crater named caldera on huge island in Hawai was formed by hot searing activity. The bottom of the caldera, there were lava and steams. Kilauea located in Hawai's Volcanoes National Park. Mauna Loa is another volcanoes in Hawai tha well-known too with hig geological activity. Hawai's Volcanoes was discovered in 1916. Nowadays, this park becaome the most visited with over 1.5 million visitors per year.

Kilauea was one of the most active volcanoes in the world since 1983. The visitors can have a look the eruption directly when they come there from a safe place. To see Kilauea's summit, the tourist can walk across the field which full of lava and this land is created by cold lava process as well as beatiful green scenery such as Lush rain forest.

Finally, volcanoes are not the only one center of interest in Hawaai to encourage the number of tourists. Little zoo such as the nene goos, carnivourus caterpillars and delighted face spider. So, there are a lot of activities that we can enjoy in the Hawaai's Volcanoes National Parks
BAMS14 18 / 29  
Sep 29, 2016   #2
( MY ADVICE YOU SHOULD USE CONJUNCTION TO CREATE GOOD FLOW, YOUR PARGRAPH NOT CONECT EACH OTHER)

GOOD LUCK KEEP WRITING!
erwiin1 9 / 17  
Sep 29, 2016   #3
Hi, mdamanhuri77

I would give you corrections for your essay

1. Mauna Loa is another volcanoes in Hawai (Hawaii ) tha (the ) well-known too with hig (high ) geological activity
2. Nowadays, this park becaome (became ) the most visited with ...
3. ... process as well as beatiful (beautiful ) green scenery ...
4. ... only one center of interest in Hawaai (Hawaii ) to encourage ...
5. we can enjoy in the Hawaai's (Hawaii's ) Volcanoes National Parks

Thank you
Alamsyah Ismail 24 / 43  
Sep 29, 2016   #4
Hello mdamanhuri77
There are some advice to you

The bottom of the caldera, there were lava and steams.
.... i think you do not need those into your sentence

Hawai's Volcanoes National Park
......Hawaii, no hawai
......To explain a place, do not need 's


another volcanoes in Hawai tha well-known too ...
.... Hawai= Hawaii
...tha= that
...hig= high
RAY93 35 / 186 136  
Sep 29, 2016   #5
IN the bottom of the caldera,..
Mauna Loa is another volcanoes in Hawai tha WHICH IS well-known too with hig HIGH geological activity. Hawai's Volcanoes was discovered in 1916. Nowadays, this park becaome BECOMES the most visited TOURISM SITE with over 1.5 million visitors per yearS.

The visitors can have a look AT the eruption directly ...
To see Kilauea's summit, the tourist can walk (...) full of lava and WHILE this land is created...
Little zoo such as the nene goos, carnivourus caterpillars and delighted face spider.NO VERB

you tend to only compose simple structures while at the same time showing poor coherence on your writing since you only mention each sentences without a particular flow neither using cohesive devise to help you


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