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Health care and education funding to be among the top priorities of a government's agenda?

vietduccan 10 / 19 7  
Dec 2, 2018   #1
Here is my latest essay on IELTS Writing Task 2. Please be free to leave your feedbacks. Thanks in advance.

Discursive Essay

Topic: Some people say that governments should pay for public health care and education, while others say that it is not governments' responsibility.
Please discuss both views and give your own opinion

Some people believe that financing the costs of health care and education is supposed to be among the top priorities of a government's agenda. Meanwhile, others argue that the citizens should take that responsibility by themselves. In my opinion, I believe that the government should cover some parts of the bills at least.

On the one hand, there are various reasons why people believe the government should pay for the hospital and school fees. Firstly, it is true that the state's medical subsidies would give many people, especially those in the low-income group a chance to enjoy better health care services, thereby improving the social wellness. In addition to that, considering the fact that a decent education for every citizen is a fundamental goal for every country, thus, providing free education would be the very basic step to make that goal realized.

On the other hand, there are also some strong arguments that are against the ideas above. Firstly, as a matter of fact, the government budget is not unlimited, hence, if not being obliged to make health care and education free for all people, the government could spend more money on other critical items. Secondly, if the costs of public medical care and education are fully covered by the government, there would be an enormous burden imposed on the public investment fund for research and development in the medical and educational fields, which in turn would badly affect people's health and education in long run.

To conclude, I believe it would be reasonable if the government could offer financial supports to those who really are in dire need instead of treating all citizens the same. By doing so, it is still responsible for developing a healthy and educated society without making its budget exhausted.

forielts 4 / 8  
Dec 3, 2018   #2

Here is a big mistake you made on the structure: for discussion essays, you need general 5 paragraphs in total, which are introduction+ 2 paragraphs about why the opinions from the prompt are right+ 1paragraph about your own statement+ conclusion. To meet the TA requirements, you are supposed to give your own opinion and extend it.

Also, the way you connected your sentences was mechanical. ( 'firstly, secondly' appeared in both paragraph)

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,564 2483  
Dec 3, 2018   #3
The main problem with your essay is that you are not discussing the prompt requirements in full. You are only partially responding to the prompt and as such, cannot expect to get a passing score due to a selective response presentation. The prompt clearly indicates the following:

Discussion Instruction: Please discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Discussion Paraphrase: In my opinion, I believe that the government should cover some parts of the bills at least.
Correct Discussion Paraphrase: I will review both public opinions in an effort to establish a clear personal opinion on my part.

Your whole discussion presentation did not provide a clear idea of public points of view presentations as there were no public acknowledgement phrases in your topic sentences for every paragraph. As such, the presentation of the discussion, based on your incorrect paraphrase is that the whole essay is from your personal point of view. This means you are answering only one part of the essay requirement. This means you did not write the correct number of words for the essay either as deductions are made for missing word count based on irrelevant paragraph discussion presentations. If you did not clearly indicate the two public points of view, then the whole essay comes from your personal point of view. You cannot pass the test because of this error.
sandholly 4 / 8 3  
Dec 3, 2018   #4
Hi, the basic problem in your writing is the essay structure. It has been indicated clearly through the comments above so i won't discuss about it further. I recommend you to investigate the model structure for each type of ielts writing requirements carefully, you can refer to some books for ielts writing or just simply search for information on the internet.

Besides, there are some personal reviews i want to give you.
- it seems that you use too many transitional words and attitude adverbials in your essay, which makes up a large number of words. Or these expressions are rather long that make the reader sometime feel tired on following your discussion. Using those don't help you get a higher score, or even you can lose the score of coherency. Try using simple but proper versions and develop the content of the idea more.

For example,
In my opinion, I believe... remove one of them. It's redundant to use both
In addition to that, considering the fact that -> in addition, ... it's enough

-> try to write concisely, it much be better.

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