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ielts task 2 : essay about health problems (causes and measures)


oneouran 1 / -  
Feb 9, 2019   #1
Question:
In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing.
What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?


Impact of Lifestyle on Health



Nowadays people are living in a stressful lifestyle with a heavy workload and unhealthy diets. Those who are under pressure have a high possibility to suffer from health problems such as cardiovascular disease or obesity. This essay is going to discuss the main problems and how we can do to fix these problems.

To beginning with, one of the main reasons for the health problem is competition. It is undeniable that people living in the developed countries face the highly competitive environment; thus, they usually have to put more effort to make living, Individuals choose to sacrifice the leisure time which they can do sports or exercise instead of keeping working. In a study shown in Taiwan, around 70 per cent of office workers confess that they do not have time to relax for playing sports because they are occupied with works. In this case, I think the company should recruit more employees to ease each worker's workload, after all, the 'people' are the most important thing in business.

In addition, diet habit also plays an essential role in our body healthy. Owing to globalisation, the number of fast food restaurant is a significant increase. Many children prefer to eat these high-calorie foods rather than natural foods; moreover, parents are too busy to pay more attention to their kids' diets. This may cause children are overweight. Maybe the government could try to impose the tax on the fast food restaurant or support the organic stores to change customers' eating habits gradually. Most importantly, people have to develop the habits about sports or exercise, both of them can help us stay away from diseases, make us happy and own a healthy body.

In conclusion, exercise and doing sports are the two key factors to keep us in shape, it is true that all of us are busy at work but our health is much more important than anything.

Thank for everyone who would like to help me!

lin0208 3 / 4 2  
Feb 9, 2019   #2
Hello, I'm just a high school student so that maybe my opinion does not fit you.

First, there are some grammar mistakes:

...more effort to make their living
Structure: make one's living

... an essential role in our healthy body

Natural foods (uncountable noun)

Secondly, you use comma ineffectively.

Most importantly, people have to develop ... -----> 2 sentences.

Last but not least, you build a basic ground of this essa. Moreover, the structures and words you use are suitable for this essay.

Good luck
TJLuschen - / 252 200  
Feb 9, 2019   #3
Hi, your writing in this essay is fairly clear, but you do have a number of minor errors in grammar and usage that make some of your sentences sound unnatural.

Your format might not be exactly what the graders are looking for though. Usually in this type of prompt, the causes are given in one body paragraph and the solutions are given in the second body paragraph. You have given one cause with its corresponding solution in each paragraph. This might be ok, but you ran into trouble in your second body paragraph because you end up talking about both diet and exercise, when your topic sentence indicated that the paragraph would be about diet alone. In other words, because of the format you have chosen, your essay seems unorganized and harder to follow. Also note my comments about avoiding giving reasons in your intro. Here are some specific suggestions:

Nowadays people are living in a stressful lifestyle with a heavy workload and unhealthy diets. {these are actually reasons for the problems outlined by the prompt. It is better to wait until the body paragraphs to give these specific reasons. In the intro, just focus on the facts given in the prompt, not the reasons behind them} Those who are under pressure have a high possibility to suffer from health problems such as cardiovascular disease or obesity. This essay is going to discuss the main problems {this is not really what the prompt asks - the prompt asks for the causes behind these problems} and what we can do to fix these problems. {or "and how we can fix them"}

To begin with, one of

...developed countries face a highly competitive

... effort to make a living. As a result, individuals ... time during which they could have done sports or exercise instead of constantly working. In a study {"shown is Taiwan" seems odd - maybe "done in Taiwan"?} around

... to relax or play sports because ... with work. {"works" is only used for works of art or similar}

... each worker's workload. After all, the 'people' {why is this in quotes? This would imply they are not actually people! } are the most ...

In addition, dietary habits also play an essential role in our bodies' health. ... fast food restaurant is increasing significantly. {I am not convinced globalisation is the cause of this - there are many local fast food restaurants as well as global chains}

... too busy to pay enough attention to ... children to become overweight. ... try to impose taxes {or "a tax on"} on fast food restaurants or support ...

... sports or exercise, since both ...

... to keep us in shape. It is true ...


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