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help with essay for aboard


cutepandagirl 1 / 1  
Nov 28, 2008   #1
Hi~
I know some parts are really choppy...
Can you help me add more stuff and fix it up ?
It's for a scholarship that will reduce some of the aboard tuition.

Learning new things has always been one of things I enjoyed doing. Like others, I believe having knowledge is power. Being able to study aboard would be a great experience and a great opportunity to gain knowledge. I want to study aboard because it gives a hands on experience, culture, and language. In my future AmeriSpan experience I hope to experience numerous things.

One of the world's oldest civilizations that still exist today is China. Being able to study aboard in Beijing(this is my first choice, I might change it).

Studying in a different country is an exciting adventure. Having to be in a new environment will have difficulty like culture conflicts or lack of proficiency in a language it will me me learn to adapt to new things, and that will make me more independent and grow more as a person.

I'm currently taking Mandarin at my high school. Being in Beijing for four weeks(my plan for now at least) will be a language Emerson for me and that will be a great opportunity for my Mandarin to improve.

Since China has been around for such a long time it has a lot of history and traditions. For a student to go abroad it enlarges their cultural and knowledge span. A student can learn, read, and hear from a culture/place, but to live and experience it hands on beats any textbook. Its useful to experience things hands on because makes a person more open minded and a global perspective of the world.

In sum, what I hope to experience in a future AmeriSpan experience is expanding my knowledge and to enjoy a adventurous journey abroad.

Thank you~
^^

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Nov 29, 2008   #2
Take sentences in the PASSIVE voice, like this one,

"Learning new things has always been one of things I enjoyed doing."

...and make change them to the ACTIVE voice, like this: I have always enjoyed learning new things.

Also, take out unnecessary/unhelpful things like this: (this is my first choice, I might change it).

When you re-write this, you should perhaps take one strong sentence and move it to the beginning. Try revising with this sentence at the beginning: I want to study aboard because it gives a hands on experience, culture, and language. I like that sentence a lot.

Go through it, and try to clarify every sentence, like this: China has a lot of history and traditions because of having existed for such a long time.

Good luck!!

Kevin
OP cutepandagirl 1 / 1  
Nov 29, 2008   #3
Thank you!
I revised it.
Can you give me some feedback?

I have always enjoyed new things. Like others, I believe knowledge is power. Being able to study abroad would be a great experience and a great opportunity to gain knowledge. In my future AmeriSpan experience I hope to experience numerous things.

China is one of the oldest civilizations that exist today. Beijing is the capital of China, it is a large cosmopolitan city with large population. Being able to study abroad in Beijing, China will allow me to learn many numerous old and traditional culture that China has been preserving for more than six millenniums. Studying in a different country will be an exciting adventure. Being in a new environment will make me face difficulties such as cultural differences and language barriers, but, it will allow me learn to adapt to new things, and it will make me more independent as a person.

Mandarin is spoken by more people than any other language in the world it is also one of the world's oldest languages. I'm currently taking Mandarin at my high school. Being in Beijing for four weeks will be a language immersion for me and that will be a great opportunity for me to use and practice what I've learned so far. This will let

With the numerous population in Beijing it has various ethnic groups, races and tribes. The variety of ethnic groups gives a diverse cultural ambiance in the city. For a student to go abroad it enlarges their cultural and knowledge span. A student can learn, read, and hear from a culture/place, but to live and experience it hands on beats any textbook. It is useful to experience things hands on because makes a person more open-minded and allow them to see a wider global perspective of the world.

In sum, what I hope to experience in a future AmeriSpan experience is to expand my knowledge and to enjoy an adventurous journey abroad.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Nov 29, 2008   #4
With the enormous population in Beijing it has various ethnic groups, races and tribes.

I am currently taking Mandarin

China has been persevering for more than six millenniums.

A student can gain a superficial understanding of a culture by reading about it, but to live and experience...

Good luck!!

Kevin


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