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Help for Correction my essay . Academic essay _ IELTS Academic Task 2 on a consumer society


Makferayd 1 / -  
Feb 23, 2021   #1
At this age, some people think that we are living in a consumer society which possessing and using have gained too importance.

In what extent do you agree or disagree?



Some people believe that we are living in a society beset by consumerism culture, in which possessing materialistic properties and objects are exaggeratedly cherished. I completely agree with this idea, and I will discuss two main reasons for this phenomenon.

I believe that the main reason for the existence of consumption-oriented social behaviors is due to destruction of the authentic role-models. Firstly, the most effective factor to shaping a society, which is the media, now is under the tight control of giant companies and business owners who have been seeking policies to convince people to procure their products more in order to maximize their wealth. While governmental surveillance systems on media are blown away by the sophisticated lobbies of those gigantic producers, the media and its predominant consuming-inclined advertising apparatus is spoiling people. Secondly, as ethical and society's true role-models are eliminated in this way, and are substituted with often immoral celebrities, we are convinced that by having a particular object like a car or fancy cellphones we would be happier. Finally, these factors have left society members vulnerable to be trapped under the bombardment of these wrong indications without an authentic role-model.

On the other hand, in lack of enough social values, the educational systems do not have the effective curriculum to straighten these chaotic circumstances out. The educational and training purposes have always been defined by social values, whether or not they are correct; therefore, their modifying role would be frustrating. Furthermore, as this false propaganda forced us to work more to consume more, it left families desperate and time-poor, panic-stricken to be lagged in this race, hence there are unable to play their essential educational and training role. Moreover, by the prevalence of social media tools in the hand of new generations, it would be a backbreaking task, if not impossible, to revamp this wrong and detrimental approach, if youngsters are in the constant exposure of cherished celebrity upscale and luxurious lifestyle.

In conclusion, my view is that our today's society is engaged in a problematic approach of consuming more, and is inclined to possess more, as true values of humanity are redefined by some opportunistic orientations.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,317 3351  
Feb 23, 2021   #2
Good restatement with the slight problem of you still using the phrase "which possessing" in the presentation. The best scored paraphrasing is always the one that avoids any word usage from the original. that is because it shows a high degree of vocabulary, English comprehension, and thought process. You have shown an ability to do this in the restatement section. So just work on further improving that skill by avoiding all original word usage.

You are over explaining in the presentation. You have to work within a 250-300 word frame only. That is because of the 40 minute time limit for the presentation. I understand that you have an extensive English vocabulary and you want to show the examiner your English skills as thoroughly as possible. However, the aim of this test is to have you show that you can explain your understanding, opinion, and dis/agreement with a given topic as quickly and clearly as you can. Do not get me wrong, you did a thorough job of explaining yourself. The problem, is that the examiner needs to be able to quickly read the presentation, hence the word allowance.


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