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IELTS Writing Task 2: Need help to find out appropriate introductions


indah_hai 19 / 38 4  
Feb 1, 2014   #1
Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real need of the society in which they are sold. To what extent do you agree or disagree?Advertising industry has its remarkable success in society all around the world with their influence of products which might have no essential use recently. While some people think this statement is true, I would consider other reasons with this issue.

Successful sports professional can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.According to researchers, the popular athlete's income has greater range than important professions. While some people think this is not an equal way, I think there are some reasons should be seen further with this issue.

In some countries, it is common for woman to find a job when their children are young. What are the advantages and disadvantages?Life would be extremely costly to set up. This view makes mothers tend to go to work when their children are in childhood. While some people believe that this is a common view, I think there are the merits and the demerits should be seen further.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Feb 1, 2014   #2
Advertising industry has its remarkable success in society all around the world with their influence of products which might have no essential use recently.

This hook has too many ideas cramped up together. It would have been more interesting had you made that sentence shorter.

According to researchers, the popular athlete's income has greater range than important professions.

Well, this is a too obvious and well known fact and you do not really have to talk about researchers. You open your essay with this sentence and therefore you need to say something more meaningful to impress your reader.
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Feb 2, 2014   #3
Life would be extremely costly to set up

Your hook is somewhat vague :( Better you rephrase it !

This view makes mothers tend to go to work when their children are in childhood.

"children are in childhood" doesn't make any sense. Childhood is the period of being a child. So children makes childhood redundant.
However, you follow the right structure for your introduction - Hook, Background, Opinion :)
Pay more attention to your vocabulary and grammar. With practice you can improve a lot :)
OP indah_hai 19 / 38 4  
Feb 2, 2014   #4
Your hook is somewhat vague :( Better you rephrase it !

Is it? Well, maybe because I'm trying to build a good hook. Could you give me an example for this sentence?

So children makes childhood redundant.

Thank you, I just realized it.

However, you follow the right structure for your introduction

.. Thanks God if it does, because making introduction is nightmare for me in this few days.. :)

Your contribution is my pleasure. Again, Thank you, Pahan :)
OP indah_hai 19 / 38 4  
Feb 2, 2014   #5
This hook has too many ideas cramped up together. It would have been more interesting had you made that sentence shorter.

How if I change for "Advertising industry has its remarkable success in some influence of products which might have no essential use in society"

obvious and well known fact and you do not really have to talk about researchers

Do you mean that common view is not really good at introduction (hook)?
It would be my pleasure if you give me new idea for this hook,
Again, Thank you, Dumi. :)
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Feb 3, 2014   #6
How if I change for "Advertising industry has its remarkable successin some influence of products which might have no essential use in society"

Well, you need to be more firm with grammar. You tend to make mistakes and therefore do not construct complex sentences. Instead write more simple lines that can deliver your idea clearly with correct grammar.

Also about the hook, this is what I just suggested another member and I am repeating the same with relevance to your essay;
"Ok, let me tell you a few things about writing a good hook. First read your prompt very carefully and understand the main point. Here in this essay it is that "influence of advertising on people's buying decisions". So make an interesting sentence that comes before your main point. It should be related to your question and draw your reader into the essay. Let's give a try for this;

Advertising is a heavily used marketing tool by companies to influence consumers to buy their products.
OP indah_hai 19 / 38 4  
Feb 3, 2014   #7
You tend to make mistakes and therefore do not construct complex sentences

Opss.. Accepted.

another member and I am repeating the same with relevance to your essay

That member is me, indah_hai :)

Advertising is a heavily used marketing tool by companies to influence consumers to buy their products

.. This is simple and great. I like the 'a heavily used'.
Thank you, Dumi.


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