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Help me fix the essay for my IELTS test about crime topic


Toubiii 1 / -  
Oct 4, 2021   #1
Question:
The government should control the amount of violence in films and televisions in order to decrease the violent crimes in the society.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?



Essay: It is indisputable that the increasing crime rates are related to brutal scenes on screen and people believe that the government has responsibility for the decline in the appearance of these scenes. From my point of view, I completely agree with this statement.

Firstly, it is undeniable that violence is an essential part of action or thriller movies, but for a long, they have had bad impacts on people, especially on children. Since bloody scenes can stimulate human brains and create a sense of excitement, children have been dragged along with those feelings and would try to imitate the characters on screen. As children do not have enough awareness of what should or should not do, they tend to accept violence as a way to deal with their problems. Therefore, there have been many incidents of school violence and the juvenile delinquency rate is increasing.

Furthermore, although adults are better than children at self-awareness and self-control, brutality on media can also have bad effects on their minds. In fact, long-term exposure to cruel scenes can erode adults' consciousness and autonomy. Thus, they take violence for granted and have a tendency to commit a crime. For instance, in the USA, a man opened fire on a crowd as he was trying to act like Bane, the villain of The Dark Knight Rise, at a movie premiere.

In conclusion, controlling brutality in films and televisions is a must, and the government should take responsibility to strictly supervise it. Because violent scenes on media have bad impacts on children and they can stimulate adults to commit an offense.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,749 3795  
Oct 7, 2021   #2
Try not to exaggerate your paraphrasing of the original topic. Do not alter the orginal reference point. This is a discussion of a public opinion rather than a debate about an indisputable fact. There is no reference to an indisputable fact in the original so you will already lose points for altering the original topic basis. Use a less inflammatory tone. This is an academic written discussion that should use an even academic tone throughout. No flaming is necessary.

I completely agree

Next time include one or 2 sentences referring to the reason/s why you believe so. The basis of your , is part of the scored introduction.

but for a long

A long what? This is an English reference to a period of coverage st, the word you are looking for is time. Without the time reference, the phrase is incomplete.

Because

Academic writing rules do not allow the use of a connecting word at the start of a sentence.


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