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need help for "presentation summary" essay


ssdd 3 / -  
Oct 26, 2007   #1
hi everyone, I am taking this FAL course, which is basic writing skills, and my profesor said my english is a challenge and I might not pass the course. I am shoked because I've already taken business commun. and had no problems with that one. I talked to him but he refuses to point all my mistakes because he said it will be a whole load for me to undertake at once. Please read my essay,. and tell me what mistakes I have, and where it is hard to understand, Cuz seems like i cannot see my own mistakes. Thank you soo much. below is my essay!

Personal reflection of my presentation.
The presentation on the "Downtown eastside" was one of the first presentations I have ever had. Considering my previous experience I think I did it in correspondence to my level. I put lots of effort on keeping "eye-contact", putting "clinches", speak with normal speed, behaving naturally. I think I covered these points to a reasonable extent.

Dupinder and I did the whole research on the topic together. We searched for information strictly in accordance to the topic, as well as to each other's sections. Both of us spent more than 15 hours in total for preparing the PowerPoint slides; research; communicating about each other's sections to avoid any irrelevant statements. We had a problem with the timing, because when we prepared the project we timed it for 15 minutes speech, but the time was cut after that. We spent significant time on discussing the best options for the last slide. Our purpose was to leave the audience thinking. The last message: "Drugs did not create the downtown eastside. We did" was terrific for that purpose, and I am really proud of it because it is a product of our group work.

Making the PowerPoint slides took a big part of the total hours spent on preparation. On my slides I included essential facts about Downtown Eastside development and its issues. I tried to link them logically and explain the relations between the different pieces of information on them. I put clinches and though-provoking questions as much as I could to relate better to the audience.

My strengths in the speech were that I tried to keep the public involved by being reader-oriented when I used "you" form of my speech. I tried to put rhetorical questions to increase the interest and the impact that I wanted my story to have on them. However I must admit I did not do my best. One thing that I missed was the "hook". Next time I will definitely think of a strong introduction that would grab audience's attention. For this particular topic, questions like " How many of you have been in the East part of Hastings street?, How did you feel walking on that street? " would be a good start. I could also follow it with statements like: " Large number of people avoid that part of the city", or personal experience that I had in Kelowna, when being warned by friends never to step on Main and Hastings, whatsoever. If I had done this I would have given out better the rest of my presentation.

Linking with the audience at the very beginning will prevent me from feeling uneasy after. I think I have "stage fever", and I get nervous even in a small audience like that in the FAL class. I was stressed and nervous, therefore I omitted many of the interesting facts I intended to tell initially. This fact surprised me because before I stepped in front of the class I was relaxed and full of knowledge. Once I begun to talk my confidence vanished and the structure mistakes I made in my first sentences discouraged me even more. I caught myself over generalizing several times and I would try not to do that in future. I would also practice more in front of a mirror, and when timing myself I will always leave an extra minute at least. I noticed that I tend to talk more in front of the class then during practice with my partner. There is one more lesson I learned: when using percentage statistics, always picture it for the audience. For example 20% is one in every five, I figured out that dry statistic facts in a presentation should be depicted in a more acceptable way for the audience. Generally the whole presentation should be given out in more informal and captive way.

As a conclusion I would say that despite the fact I put so much effort in this project I did not reach my goal and I still have much to improve. For future I would focus on my spoken style, and I would take stress relief measurements before presenting.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Oct 26, 2007   #2
Greetings!

While I see the mistakes your instructor is talking about, it seems rather punitive to fail you when the whole point of the class is to learn! Your biggest problem that I see is your tendency to drop articles (a, an, the). It would take a long time for me to go through and put in every a, an and the that you omitted, so I am just going to point out a few, plus some other errors.

In the "Downtown Eastside" presentation Dupinder and I reviewed the poverty and drug addiction problem in downtown Vancouver.

In my part of the speech I covered a brief history of downtown Vancouver;

Generally speaking, my part of the presentation served as an introduction and connection to [delete "the"] Dupinder's part - "War on Drugs".

which explains why this place became the home of many homeless people with different backgrounds.

thus they are an essential part of a person's life.

Just because they have addictions or mental issues does not mean that they do not have feelings, or a story to tell.

I think your instructor is being too harsh; I'd be inclined to ask him whether the point of taking a class is to learn, or merely to show off what you already knew before you got there! :-)

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Oct 29, 2007   #3
Greetings!

I think you're doing very well considering English is not your first language! Here are some editing suggestions:

I put lots of effort on keeping "eye-contact", putting "clinches", speaking at a normal speed, and behaving naturally.

I used clinches and thought-provoking questions as much as I could to relate better to the audience.

My strengths in the speech were that I tried to keep the public involved by being reader-oriented when I used the "you" form in my speech.

Next time I will definitely think of a strong introduction that would grab the audience's attention.

"Large numbers of people avoid that part of the city",

If I had done this I would have given out better the rest of my presentation. - I'm not quite sure what this means. Perhaps you meant "I would have improved the rest of my presentation."

I think I have "stage fever", - I have never heard of that; I think you meant "stage fright."

Once I began to talk my confidence vanished

I noticed that I tend to talk more in front of the class than during practice with my partner.

Generally, the whole presentation should be given [delete "out"] in a more informal and captivating way.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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