Mantoes, you must be commended on the way that you developed your story. From the first paragraph onwards, I felt totally engaged and involved in the story. You told it really well even with the grammatical errors that were minor and almost ignorable. I will offer some grammar corrections and suggestions if I see any portions where further improvement can be made :-)
and most importantly that strange habit of mine that they all hold.- I was just wondering if we could learn more about this strange habit of yours that they all hold. It seems to be an interesting trait of yours that could very well be introduced in the first paragraph so that when Tony comes along, we already have an idea of what must have been going through your mind at the time :-)
Stepping out of the train and taking my first breath of TaiDong air for my first time ever, it was rather different from the city air I inhaled for the last 16 years. I was there to teach the less fortunate aborigine kids of Taiwan basic level English and western culture- A little more information about TaiDong is in order. Could you describe the ind of children there? How they normally act among friends and enemies? I feel that it is important for you to establish that character of the children to give credence to the advice that you gave later on.
Teaching class was relatively fun, to witness the kids struggle to pronounce the word "paleontologist" or to watch them scream and yell over a simple English game, put
s a smile on my face. Kids were coming up to me to ask about English words or ask ing me for permission to do things ; at that moment I already felt a sense of adulthood as kids were looking up to me for directions. Though there was still a void in me that couldn't be fulfilled.
- things . At
that moment... because the kids looked up to me for direction in their young lives.Yet,
there was ... Little did I know that the void was about to be filled by one of the children in my care.
- We just needed a transition sentence at the end to introduce the new event.
- Tony is the kid who will forever be etched in my mind. He was a dyslexic, cleft lip kid who came from a financially strapped family with a single mother as his only parent. Regardless of his physical, financial, and social drawbacks, Tony always came to class with a smile on his face. Sometimes overeager to participate.- The sentence felt too cluttered so I tried to clean it up for you.
There was one kid by the name of Tony that frankly I will never forget. He had dyslexia, a cleft lip, a single mother and financially his family was very unstable yet he wore a smile every day to class eager to participate, sometimes even too eager that we had to calm him down .
This bright jubilant kid
however was bullied by other students in the camp quite harshly. Out of nowhere during the middle of class he burs ted into tears. I pulled him out and spent the rest of that day accompanying him. He told me he felt worthless and that other kids would lock him outside the room and yell "retard". It was so heart breaking to see such an optimistic kid lose all sense of self-respect because of some meaningless words said by other immature kids.
- ... In the middle of one class, he burst into tears... the rest of the day consoling
him.- The word bully is already descriptive of the action and does not need additional descriptions.
I felt it, I felt his sorrow and pain that both - pain that both he and I knew he did not deserve.- Don't use shortcuts in a formal essay. Specially in school application essays. Be formal at all times because this is a written interview.
him and I know very well he doesn't deserve.
It was my "habit" that allowed me to give him some advice that only a real adult could give. I remember so vividly his tears stopping, his frown flipping back to his smile, a hug that I would never forget and that void I was talking about, I solved it.- Again, you need to properly describe the habit and then explain what advice you gave the boy that was very adult like in manner.
I remember - frown flipping back to a smile, and a hug that I ... Suddenly, I felt that the void I could not fill was finally filled,with love and a desire to help children like Tony.- The sentence was incomplete because you needed to describe how the empty void now felt for you.
so vividly his tears stopping, his frown flipping back to his smile, a hug that I would never forget and that void I was talking about, I solved it.
Ever since this English Camp I began to act in ways that I would've never done in the past. I've grown to a point where I filter everything before I speak
unlike the immature children that called Tony a "retard". . I've grown to a point where I am even more passionate in helping others especially if it means I get back the sensation I got when I helped Tony. I've also become very good at understanding people and complimenting for their good attributes like I did for Tony.