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"a helpless laboratory mouse in the US schools" - College Essay


gcsm04523 1 / 2  
Nov 4, 2009   #1
I really need help with this essay. I know that there's lots of grammar mistakes, but due to my limited English skills, I can't really find them and don't really know a way to fix them. So please, proof read, give me some advice and correct any of mistakes I've made.

Also, I am having a problem with the conclusion. So if you have an idea what I could write, please let me know.

Thank you in advance!

Prompt: Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

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Schools in the U.S. have made me feel like a helpless laboratory mouse searching for a piece of savory cheese in a meandering maze. A mouse, trapped in the cage of anxiety and apprehension, barely making a living under the people's scrutiny, is what I was. The anxiety, not able to find the unblocked way which leads to a piece of cheese that I could smell, is what I felt. And the apprehension of being trapped between the walls and dying before I get to taste the cheese is what I worried. Having had lived as a mouse for the last six years, I found myself deplorable and pathetic, and I thought it was finally time for me to get out of that cage.

With a luggage full of clothes and a passport on my hand, I came to the United States on May 13, 2003. At the tender age of 12, I was just elated to have a car in the family, eat fast foods everyday, and sleep on my own bed. But soon after, I had learned that starting a new life in another country was not the way I pictured and realized that getting myself adapted to a new culture was difficult than I had ever imagined, especially when it came to school.

HarmonSa 6 / 13  
Nov 4, 2009   #2
And the apprehension of being trapped between the walls and dying before I get to taste the cheese is what I worried. (I have to tell you that you have to write a full sentence before ';') Having had lived as a mouse for the last six years, I found myself deplorable and pathetic, and I thought it was finally time for me to get out of that cage.

At the tender age of 12, I was just elated enough(I guess you wanna show us that you are very easy to be contented?) to have a car in the family, to eat fast foods everyday, and to sleep on my own bed. But soon after, I had learned that starting a new life in another country was muchdifferent from the way I pictured and I realized that getting myself adapted to a new culture was more difficult than I had ever imagined, especially when it came to school.

The thing is...after reading your first paragraph I thought you were about to get back to your nation...Ugh, I think may be you can exchange the position of the first and second paragraph and of course rewrite few part of them.

Besides, you only spend a lot of words talking about your nightmare in America so your last sentence is very very confusing and too inconsistent to us. Why is this issue important to you? I really don't know that after reading. So I strongly suggest you give your essay a big operation; rewrite the 3rd and 4th paragraphs, talking about why this issue is important give us some inspiring things...I think what the graders would like to see is how you surpass those difficulties, right?

Good luck!

By the way, are you Chinese or Korean? I still don't know it after reading...
OP gcsm04523 1 / 2  
Nov 4, 2009   #3
Omg, thank you soooo much!!! I was worried nobody might read it.. :(
Yeah, I know that I have to write a complete sentence before semicolon, but I didn't know how to fix it and I was hoping somebody here might help..

I'm Korean. I'm thinking you are Chinese..?

Anyway thanks a lot for your help:)
HarmonSa 6 / 13  
Nov 4, 2009   #4
Yep, I think from the spelling of my name you can know that I am Chinese...And please do not worry that no one will read your essay. People here are very glad to help you but probably they will reply after several hours. In fact, my threads are replied by 2 people just after 1 day and I got very good advice. So you can calm down and be patient, and maybe you can help others with their essays when you are waiting

Besides, I forgot to tell you that I have fixed your sentences with semicolon but I had forgotten to cover them in red...sorry about that
OP gcsm04523 1 / 2  
Nov 5, 2009   #5
I just went back, took your advice, and kind of rearranged and rewrote the paragraphs.
I think it sounds so much better now.

It's my first time using this website so I didn't really know how it worked.
I'm so glad you read my essay and helped me out.

Thank you so much for your help and for being so nice :)
HarmonSa 6 / 13  
Nov 5, 2009   #6
haha, you are welcome. I'm also new to this forum, registered only 2 days earlier than you. I think it's very good. And I have to say that my writing skills are enhancing to an extent that even can be felt by myself. Good luck then.


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