I will attend the TOEFL-replacement test soon, and the writing should be finished in 15 minutes. So I have two short essays here for revise. I really appreciate everybody help.
Students are given fifteen minutes in which to write a short composition on a topic such as:
1. "He who hesitates is lost" is a very common saying here. What do you think of it?
My writing:
From my point of view, this idiom describe that the man who can't make up the mind right away is easy to lose chances. Most people have a plenty of schedule and doing list for being done, so it is impossible that we can handle everything perfectly as we wish. We could just do and try as hard as we can. Some people hesitating or deliberating things too much may easily lose the critical time for making the action. Therefore, they always got nothing in the long run.
Take my self-experience as an example- I was prom to waste time in hesitating such as to take the bus or metro, to choose the class I have or want to, or to hand out with friends or stay with my parents. Beyond my expectation, I missed both the bus and metro; I didn't add any class I have or want to; I disappointed either side of my friends and family.
Up to now, I have learned many lessons from losing a lot of precious chances because of my hesitation. Therefore, I believe that the man who hesitates is lost.
2. Many things in this modern technological world, such as television and rapid transportation,
have caused significant changes in the way people live. In your parents' youth things were
probably very different from the way they are now. What are some of the things that are worse?
Discuss.
My writing:
The advent of technology brings significant changes on either transportation or communication that is really different from the past. Although transportation such as subways, cars, buses, and trains facilitate people lives, it has also caused lots of problems like air and water pollutions. Since most creatures' habitats have been taken for the transportation constructions, their living sources are cruelly decreased and therefore they are gradually dying and become extinct. In addition, many plants have died because of the polluted air and water that deadly threatened their lives.
To sum up, I think the whole environment has mostly been negatively affected that seems to need a long time for recovery.
this idiom describe that the man who can't make up the mind right away is easy to lose chances. => indicates
Most people have a plenty of schedule and doing list for being done, => to do
Some people hesitating or deliberating things too much may easily lose the critical time for making the action.=> Some people hestitating or delibrating things too long may easily lose the critical time for taking actions.
I have learned many lessons from losing a lot of precious chances because of my hesitation=> drawn
I didn't add any class I have or want to; I disappointedeither side of my friends and family.=> I was disappointed in both sides of my friends and my family.
hand out with friends or stay with my parents=> go out with
Your 2nd writing didn't mention to the effects of mordern technological world on people lives
The advent of technology brings significant changes on either transportation or communication that is really different from the past.=> ...both... and,...are
To sum up, I think the whole environment has mostly been negatively affected that seems to need a long time for recovery.
[/b]=> grammatical mistake
...the whole environment has mostly been so negatively affected that it seems to need a long time for recovery.
Good luck!
Fang Yu,
Your essay is great, here are some points to maket it better. let me know if I made any mistake.
this idiom describe that the man who can't (cannot) make '"Do not use contractions"
Some people hesitating or deliberating things too much may easily lose the critical time for making the action ( Too much hesitating and deliberating may lead to lose the critical time to make a decision)
I was prom to waste time ( I used to waste my time)
pollution is uncountable
creatures' habitats
To sum up, I think the whole environment has mostly been negatively (or detrimental affected that seems to need a long time for recovery ( I think growing technology has some detrimental effects on the environment that needs a long time to recovery)
Thank you for your post on my essay.
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD LUCK
