Some people think that high salary is important when choosing a company to work for, while others think that a good working atmosphere is more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
labour conditions are more important than an income
While some consider that a worthwhile job should be highly remunerative, others hold the opinion that working under favourable conditions is an even much more valuable factor in job selection. This essay will examine both of these points and will support the idea of the importance of a positive working environment because this is what affects both employee's health and working efficiency.
On the one hand, money is widely known as a prime motivating factor for any potential worker in order to afford a decent way of living both for himself and his family. In other words, the higher income a person gets the better living conditions he lives in, the fancier things he may allow to acquire, and the more travelling opportunities he could seize. These material benefits, in turn, bring a sense of personal fulfilment and high self-esteem. For example, the research collected by the National Academy of Sciences found that the emotional welfare of a well-paid individual rises by 40% along with pay increment.
On the other hand, it can be argued that working in a healthy work environment is something that must be taken into consideration as a matter of priority. In fact, I do support this idea because, if an employee is put under adverse working conditions, this is likely to make him feel dissatisfied with his job, which might result in reducing working productivity. Instead of doing his best at the workplace, a person will be concerned about coping with a dead-end job. Furthermore, positive atmosphere at work may have a beneficial effect on human health. Several studies of the World Health Organization showed that this factor diminishes the possibility of such health problems as depression, overstress, or sick building syndrome.
To sum up, despite the fact that high income is considered to be extremely vital for picking a decent workplace, I personally agree with the idea that pleasant labour conditions are an even more major aspect since it enables to prevent health issues and lead to outstanding performance at the workplace.
I want to comment on the essay's structure... As far as I know, the thread of your personal opinion should already begin in an introduction part.
Plus, it seems to me that the content of the second paragraph doesn't correspond to what is actually written in the task statement. You should also avoid presenting the ideas in an advantage/disadvantage mode as it is ought to be a discussion essay. Good luck!
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Anna, you have not properly paraphrased the essay. You are not allowed to begin the discussion, nor present evidence of your personal opinion, within the prompt paraphrase. Not unless you are discussing a direct question essay which, in this case, you are not doing. You should only restate the topic and instructions in your own words within the first paragraph of the essay. Proof of this can be seen below:
Original Instruction: Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your Response Action: This essay will examine both of these points and will support the idea of the importance of a positive working environment because this is what affects both employee's health and working efficiency.
Proper Response Action: I shall be presenting my personal opinion regarding this topic after I analyze the 2 public discussion points.
In order to write an essay that does not fall back on using memorized phrases, you have to get used to creating a topic sentence for the beginning of every paragraph. An example of an effective topic sentence would be if you had not said "On the one hand" and instead beginning with the topic itself as "The public view that proper monetary compensation is a factor to consider..." This topic sentence offers 2 strong points that will increase your essay score. The first increase, comes from a proper representation of the task, which is to discuss a point of view in every paragraph. The second increase, comes from the C&C section as the discussion clearly focuses on a single topic which does not use word fillers so your sentence structure score has a tendency to increase as well.
The final paragraph, the concluding summary is incorrect. This should not only represent your personal opinion but should also represent the other 2 points of view. If you wish, you may offer that statement within 3 sentences that interconnect as a summary of the previous discussion.
2nd paragraph :
For himself and his family >> use singular they if you talking about someone in general without gender specification
You should say instead :
For themselves and their families.
The same in the following sentences when you are talking about a person
I'd try to avoid this mess and use the pleural form instead ( workers , people ...etc)
In your example , I'd avoid using any fake statistics, this doesn't add anything to your argument. It's a language test not a university essay so try to use precise expressions instead :
Paraphrasing your example >>> the emotional welfare rates has shown" a significant increase" in several studies conducted by ....
The same issue of " him , he"
Thank you very much for your useful remarks! I'd keep them in mind!