More high school students have parttime jobs while parents are not able to support all their needs

This is my Ielts writing essay, thank you so much for your feedback.

part-time jobs are popular among students

Question: These days more high school students have parttime jobs while parents are not able to support all their needs. What could be the reasons for this? Do you think it is a positive change or a negative change?

It is true that high school students are increasingly likely to have part-time jobs while more parents than ever are suffering in debts after 2008 international financial crises that cause them cannot provide better physical support to their children. There could be several reasons for students to motivate themselves to be more dependent in financial, and I consider it to be a very positive trend.

In recent years, high school students have had to adapt to various changes in our societies. Especially, technology developments have made great progress, and it has become very normal for every student to have many high tech gadgets for them to use as communication tools with their friends. It has also become a great burden for parents to fulfil their children's needs for those products which are seen as essentials for a younger generation. At the same time, the frequency of new technology products launching is very often which means students who have a strong desire to electronic gadgets need to rely on their own instead of asking from their parents. Therefore, besides supporting children's basic needs such as tuition and living costs, parents should not be put under more pressure to sacrifice their time or energy in order to provide more money to their children.

In my view, the demands of students described above should be seen as natural wanting for human. We should be happy to see high school students have become more independent and make effort on their own to gain what they want. As parents are already carried huge pressure to maintain and operate a family, equally, it seems only fair that high school students should be able to share more burden for their family members or for themselves. Therefore, the students should be left to make their own decisions about what kind of school life they want to have, according to their particular circumstances and needs.

In conclusion, having part-time jobs has become very common situation in high schools as a result of wider changes in society, and I believe these changes will benefit to the students and parents.

Celine, "high tech" is actually a hyphenated word that connects the two separate words into one meaning. Consider it a glue that helps to keep otherwise different word meanings connected into a new and singular meaning such as in the case of "high-tech". You need to work on the conciseness of your presentations. By that, I mean you should be using less words but in more complex forms that show a degree of English sentence structure mastery. Most of your paragraphs tend to get too wordy for no reason. In fact, writing over 300 words ensures that your essay will lack in coherence and cohesiveness because, rather than focusing on the content of your discussion, you are more concentrated on vocabulary, which means you will not have time to edit this essay in an actual test to create the best possible presentation for it. Write no more than 275 words. That is just the right number of words to leave you with editing time and also, a better scoring consideration for the overall presentation.

Avoid writing in run-on sentences such as your first sentence in your prompt paraphrase. Makes sure to divide the presentation into short but clear sentences. Also, avoid citing actual events such as the financial situation of 2008 as that may not be relevant to the actual discussion. In addition to that, references of such precise detail indicate that you did research during your practice test, which you will not be able to do during the actual test since it is a pen and paper test.

For the sentence structure, stick to the minimum 3 -5 sentence count so that you can fully utilize the scoring potential of each paragraph. While there are presentation problems in the opening paragraph that can affect your score, the fact that you clearly responded to the given direct questions will ensure a decent TA score for yourself.

You are not properly defending the opinion you provided that this trend of having students work part time is a positive thing because their parents cannot support them. You are talking about technology and its progress, among other things. However, these are not valid reasons for having a part-time job. Conditions of needing to save money for tuition fees, helping their family financially, or the desire to be financially independent are the valid reasons for this discussion, not the reasons you gave above.

Now, while there are no right or wrong responses to the given prompt, its accuracy in responding to the question will be considered as part of the TA score, since your response doesn't align itself in a more appropriate manner as suggested by the prompt, you cannot expect to score well with this type of writing.

thank you so much for your detailed and precise feedback. it's very helpful and I will definitely work on those problems continuously. Thanks a lot.