please give me your valuable suggestion to get band 7+ in my writing.
Governments should make more effort to promote alternative sources of energy.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
dependency on fossil fuels
Nowadays, the growing population and the technological advancements lead the high level of consumption of energy. While the volume of source of energy is reducing, emission of carbon dioxide is increasing with the excessive use of the energy. In this phenomenon or case, I believe that governments must pay attention for other ways of producing energy to save existing energy sources and environment.
The fact is that fossil fuels like oil, coal, and natural gas are limited. Every day, these fuels meet the increasing demand of energy used in industries, agriculture, households, producing electricity, and so on. Consequently, the risk of energy security is going up significantly. It can be easily predicted that increasing consumption of energy will soon deplete the natural sources of energy. So, decision makers around the world have to acknowledge the concern of decreasing the fuels and should explore substitutes of it.
The main reason for the alarming rise in global warming is the usage of fuels for vehicles and factories. The impact of the warming is melting of ice-mountains in north polls, rising of sea level; more floods in some countries while droughts in the other part of the world, and so on. Thus, all living things will be in danger in the near future. Therefore, authorities have to explore other type of fuels from the wind, the sea and the sun which does not pollute the environment and is an everlasting source of power.
To conclude, dependency on fossil fuels is not only the main reason of the scarcity of energy, but also Greenhouse gas emission. If the tendency will continue to go up, then it might not save natural resources and atmosphere. Although some government is introducing new sources of power to their community, I suppose that it is high time to encourage different sources of energy all over the world
You have answered the question in your writing.
And it could have been better if you do not repeat the same topic sentence for each paragraph.
My suggestion, you can state your side in the first sentence and explain the reason by describing the facts that you have found.
After that, you can restate your opinion in the last paragraph as the closing of your writing
It's a very interesting and popular topic. You may want to read some articles about this topic before revising your essay.
In the first paragraph, you have well summarized the reasons of your opinion. However, you have missed one point in the body of your essay - how GHG emission rates are increasing due to the usage of fossil fuels. In the third paragraph, you mentioned about the results of global warming, but you should also include the effects of GHG emissions to the global warming. Like this, your third paragraph sounds incomplete and written quickly.
In the last parapraph, you said that usage of fossil fuels is not the only reason, but also GHG emissions. I believe that you should indicate how they are interconnected notions, instead of recognizing them as two different reasons.
I like your closing sentences, you emphasize the severe results of human activities.