Hello friends... Please kindly review my writing.
A big salary is much more important than job satisfaction.
Do you agree or disagree?
Although high wages are believed as a prominent part of delighted life rather than a sense of satisfaction, I stand on with the opposite because many employees are concern more about the contentment in their work environment in order to pursue their passion.
Employees who receive high remuneration in their company have a high tendency to feel pleased. This is because people have the capability to procure a high standard of lifestyle. Not only the fulfillment of the basic needs but they also able to purchase luxurious items. Times released that since 2000, a career in the banking industry is popular in several countries. Although the clerks have numerous job duties with a tight deadline, 80% of them are keeping the job due to lavish house, branded fashion items, and fancy car, which are purchased from the high income. Conversely, bigger incentives cannot be the right measurement of happiness because money could not buy anything.
More and more people are passionate about their job and this might boost job satisfaction in the workspace. Doing any job desk based on employee's interests would give them extra energy and the bigger possibility of career path improvements. Hence, workers tend to be less stressed and deepen their self-confidence. As an Indonesian well-known writer, Ahmad Fuadi had resigned from his former job in the entertainment industry because he cannot pursue his real happiness and he cannot maximize his talent. Moreover, since he actuates his extraordinary talent as a writer, his best novel was sold massively every period.
In conclusion, satisfying when doing every job is a huge consideration rather than a high financial reward because of passionate interest. Besides, money cannot guarantee happiness.
You should apply some transition words to connect simple sentences into complex sentences; besides, you should use signal words/phrase to begin body paragraphs.
Hi Elsa,
You have a wide range of vocabulary and it is great. However, in order to improve your writing, you should learn how to deploy your arguments more logically and also more persuasive. Currently, your opinion is not very clear - perhaps it is because of the lack of clear topic sentences.
In addition, I recommend you to not give exact data figures (80%), in real exams, you do not have access to the Internet to research these stats.
A wide range of vocabulary being used in this essay. However, I am a bit confused by your second paragraph. Just wonder whether this paragraph is supporting or contradicting your opinion.
As a learner, I have some feedback for you:
1. You use a wide range of vocabulary and it is easy to read.
2. You misunderstand the type of this essay. It is agree or disagree type, so you need to express a clear opinion that you agree or disagree with the statement. However, you can partially disagree with one side of the statement by giving other ideas to support one side. You cannot discuss both views like you did.
3. I will disagree with the statement and my supporting ideas of job satisfaction are good working environment, professional and friendly colleagues and good benefits like insurance, health care.
The conclusion paragraph seems not fully developed. It needs to restate the question prompt and then your personal opinion
Agree you showed a very wide range of vocabulary use. However, it seems to me some vocab are not presented in a natural way.
Also, there are some grammatical mistakes found in your essay, for example:
but they also able to purchase luxurious items
--> but they are able to purchase luxurious items
More and more people are passionate about their job
--> More and more people are passionate in their jobs
