@annyht the last sentence in your closing statement should have been the thesis statement for your opening paraphrase. That is because your opinion is clearer in that sentence than in the final presentation of your opening presentation. This is the most appropriate thesis statement to present:
violence in those cases is not negative.
- The whole sentence would have made for a highly authoritative and strong thesis statement of your opinion. It's too bad that you chose to use it at the end of the essay instead. Both the opening and closing statements need to be on strong notes.
Most of your problems in this presentation have to do with word usage. For example, one cannot "put" a detrimental effect on children. However exposure to violence in media may "have" a detrimental effect on them. When it comes to censorship, violent or unsuitable scenes will not be considered. These scenes will be censored/removed instead. You cannot say "which punishing blows of life" but you can say "that punishing blows of life..."
Overall, the discussion is acceptable except in some instances when you only wrote 2 sentences per paragraph when the ideal is 3 sentences as a minimum sentence presentation for an increased C&C scoring possibility.
Writing 307 words will not be possible during the actual test due to time limitations. Aim for 250-275 words instead so you can edit your work before submission.. It appears that because you wrote too many words, you were not able to properly assess your essay prior to submitting it for a grade. Which is what caused the LR problems in your presentation.