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The history of Harris. [Narrative essay] Gave Me Hope


Bluecoral 1 / -  
Jul 21, 2017   #1
Prompt:

Strength



Harris got a brain like a sieve. Be it something as crucial as a wallet and a phone, or things as silly as an eraser and school paperwork, he always lost his possessions.

One day, he went to a mall to buy replacement for his missing stationery. It was a Sunday morning, and the lively mall was filled with people. After he paid for the stationery, he leaved the mall, a bag in one hand and a wallet in the other hand. He decided to go home since he already got what he needed.

All of a sudden, someone bumped into him, causing Harris to fall down on the floor. He winced in pain and snapped his head up in anger to scold the person. Instead of the culprit, he saw nobody. People passed by him without stopping to help, only gave him glances before continuing their walks. The evildoer vanished from his sight, and for a moment Harris thought if he imagined thing. Maybe he stumbled on his own feet and caused his own falling.

Harris continued his way to the bus stop and entered a bus as soon as one arrived. In the bus, Harris realized he lost his wallet. He panicked, eyes widened as he searched high and low for his wallet but to no avail. The drive chased him away when he knew Harris couldn't afford to pay the ride. Heart beating hard, Hide tried to remember the last time he had his wallet with him. Where did it went to?

The boy wanted to go home, but he was penniless and he didn't have his phone to call his mother so she could pick him up. Harris built his courage up and asked for help from some passerby. Just like on his earlier incident, nobody paid him any attention. Heaving a sigh, Harris slumped down on a bench near the bus stop.

What felt like hours later, someone approached him. It was a small lady dressed in a uniform. She had a warm smile, her eyes crinkled and cheeks rose up as she stopped in front of Harris.

"Young boy, are you in trouble? You look so sad." The woman asked, lips frowned slightly at Harris's poor state. Harris was hungry from hours of empty stomach. He knew no way to contact his mother, and the worst of all, he didn't know the way to his house if he wanted to walk back home.

Harris told her everything. Out of pity, the woman gave him some money. Harris rejected it right away. It would be just enough if the woman lend him her phone, but the lady insisted he take the cash, saying she didn't own a phone.

Harris thanked the kind lady. He promised to treat her to a meal if they meet again. Feeling energetic, Harris searched for the nearest public phone and called his mother. Harris learned a lesson. Next time, he would be more careful of his things, and if he saw someone in need, Harris would help the person, regardless of what the problem would be.

Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Jul 22, 2017   #2
Sharisha, pay attention to the tense usage in your presentation. You tend to confuse your present and past tense usage which makes the essay difficult to understand. Are you writing this as part of your English language practice? If you are, then you didn't do a bad job. While there are some problems work your sentence development, the essay itself was still understandable. Your grammar structure should improve over time as you get more used to reading, thinking, and writing in English. The story is interesting but could have used a better hook at the start to interest the reader. The character is very one dimensional at the moment and could use some physical description to help the reader better imagine the narrated events. To much description workout action or dialogue to cut the narrative at picture points made the essay boring to read later on. The character interaction was too mechanical. They're was no real twist to the story that could have made for a more interesting climax. That part was so textbook in presentation that the ending was easily guessed from the start of the story. Not a bad attempt though. You have the potential to get better.


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