Home school vs Traditional school. Which would you prefer?

Please take a look on my essay and revise it. Thank you a lot

Prompt: In the future, students may have the choice of studying at home by using technology such as computers or television or of stuying at traditional schools. Which would you prefer?

Response:
In today's past-paced, driven society. We often talk about the convenience of technology it might bring. However, learning at home by using technology such as computer or television would have a negative effect in students' learning. It limits students' scocialization, eliminates leadership's role, and causes of poor academic performance.

Initially, going to traditional school, students not only learn lecture, but also learn how to socialize. They have a full oportunuity to build real friendship and companion in school. Also, students would have a chance to develop social and communication skills such as how to ask questions and get feedback from teachers and peers, which contribute a great academic success.

Furthermore, studying at home, students would have no chance to present in front of audience. They would have lack of presentation skills, which give them a hard time to express their feelings and speeches. Gradually, these disadvantages would lower students' confidence. Ultimately, they would have less chance to be in a leadership's roles.

Besides, home schooling by using technology would be a major distract since television provides varied channels that attract students to entertain rather than to study. At the same mean, computer could be a good tool for studying, but it also brings some negative effects. For instance, some students are addicted to online games and chatrooms on the computer. Therefore, they might not able to focus on study.

Those are the main factors of having students go to traditional schools. Maybe a few people would oppose, but going to traditional schools is makes sense, because it benefits students both in class and outside of academic.

hi kathy i changed some points on your essay i hope it works for u :)

In the future, students maybe will a have choice of studying at home by using technology such as computers or television instead of stuying at traditional schools. Which would you prefer?

Response:
In today's past-paced, driven society. We often talk about the convenience of technology that might bring. However, learning at home by using technology such as computer or television would have a negative effect in students' learning. It will limits students' scocialization, eliminates leadership's role, and causes of poor academic performance.

Initially, going to traditional school, students not only learn lecture, but also learn how to socialize. They have a full oportunuity to make friendship and companion in school. Also, students would have a chance to develop social and communication skills such as how to ask questions and get feedback from teachers and peers, which contribute a great academic success.

Furthermore, studying at home has some disadvantages for instans students won't have a chance to present in front of audience. They won't have a presentation skills, which give them a hard time to express their feelings and speeches. Gradually students' won't have a self- confidence. Ultimately, they would have less chance to be in a leadership's roles.

Besides, home schooling by using technology would be a major distract since television provides varied channels that attract students to entertain rather than to study. At the same mean, computer could be a good tool for studying, but it also brings some negative effects. For instance, some students are addicted to online games and chatrooms on the computer. Therefore, they might not able to focus on study.

all in all going to traditional schools is makes sense, because it benefits students both in class and outside of academic.

Good point! But let's not say 'initially.' It makes it confusing. Let's not even do things like "firstly" "secondly" and so on. Just let your topic sentences stand alone.

Initially Going to traditional schools, students learn not only information but also learn how to socialize.

Furthermore, studying at home has some disadvantages. For instance, students won't have a...
This is just like 'for example'
Furthermore, studying at home has some disadvantages. For example, students won't have a...

Therefore, they might not able to focus on their studies.
or
Therefore, they might not able to focus on studying.

:-)

Thanks for both, Tina & Kevin. I'm working on it