Unanswered [9] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback % width Posts: 4

Both homes and schools have an equal meaning in shaping kids to become well-rounded citizens


phanhyeudoi1711 1 / 1  
Dec 1, 2019   #1

how to become a good members of society?



Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.Write at least 250 words

In the era of modernization, There remains a heated argument among people about the role of parents and schools in the children's development. Whilst some people subscribe to the view that parents should play an immensely vital role in the act of becoming a well-educated children, others argue that school bear responsibility for kids' development. This essay will discuss both views in detail and I personally believe both sides of this debate are equally important.

On the one hand, it is an irrefutable fact that parent greatly contributes to the upbringing of a child. Chief among the reasons is that children tend to mimic anything adults, especially their parents to demonstrate to them. According to developmental psychologists, kids intrinsically learn by imitating full-grown person. Provided that parents hold the elderly in high esteem, behave kindly and assist in other people,... kids will model themselves on their parents and act in accordance with them. One contributing factor is that children have a tendency of listening to parents more than other people in an early age. Hence, parents are the first teacher to shape children into good members of society.

On the other hand, school brings not only memorable experiences but also hardships for kids. Attending school is an excellent way for them to discover a wealth of novel things and meet other children with the same age. Thus, children stand a golden chance of developing interpersonal skills such as communication skills, leadership skills, conflict resolution, team building,...Additionally, school is preferred as a miniature society, which creates an opportunity for children to know how to encounter a bit challenges in their better future. Besides, children also acquire a myriad of useful knowledge and are supported zealously by their teachers.

By way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that there is of magnitude that both homes and schools have an equal meaning in children's behaviors. Parents and schools should combine to provide a complete education to kids, which is a key to become well-rounded citizens. (334 words)

XPROFF 2 / 9 8  
Dec 1, 2019   #2
Hi
I would like to share my insights on you writing

Firstly, you have structure,organize and answer the question well. Some points on improving your writing
In the first paragraph, i suggest be specific to your supporting statement. For example. Children mimic anything adults..what?? This gives a sense of completeness to your point.

Secondly reiterate your citation with why you think this finding is relevent to your point of argument.

In the third paragraph give examples to strengthen your point and briefly summarise your points linking to your final conclusion.

I hope these comments helps you in your writing.
Maria [Contributor] - / 1,032 371  
2 days ago   #3
@phanhyeudoi1711
Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve this essay.

One of the fundamental mistakes I have observed with writers who contribute here is the fact that people tend to over-exert their writing to the point that it would come out as dull more than appropriate. Evade this as much as possible by being concise with language usage. Irrelevant and unnecessary pieces of information shouldn't have space in your writing because you are working with a bunch of technical content. Apply this to your first paragraph. I have noticed that you could have merged the first few sentences instead of having repetitive thoughts sprinkled discreetly throughout.

Furthermore, be cautious of your usage of punctuation throughout. Be mindful of the rules of when to place or omit. This will give you leverage because they're more specific parts of the writing that are often overlooked by others.
OP phanhyeudoi1711 1 / 1  
2 days ago   #4
@Maria
Thank your for your feedback. U think how many points can i score??


Home / Writing Feedback / Both homes and schools have an equal meaning in shaping kids to become well-rounded citizens