Please give me some feedback on my essay. I'm preparing for my IELTS exam and getting stuck on this. I'll be very grateful for your help, Thanks in advance.
IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Homework
Prompt: Some people believe that school children should not be given homework by their teachers, whereas others argue that homework plays an important role in the education of children.
Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
It's frequently thought that homework wastes lots of time for children's growth, however, there're proponents who believe that the at-home assignments are a crucial way for the students to improve themselves. In my view, as I'll be arguing both, without homework, kids may miss several advantages of that, however, they will receive benefits more than that.
On one hand, homework is a way children can study at home with the teacher's instructions at school. Except for knowledge retention, there's a few nonacademic benefit pupils can get from assignments. To demonstrate, schoolchildren can develop their time management skills, get a preference place to learn, and teachers can keep track of progress how pupils absorb curricula. Nevertheless, survey after survey, dubiously, the jury is still out on whether homework gets improvements. For example, it encourages a sedentary lifestyle and cheating on multiple levels. Moreover, excess homework leads kids to sleep deprivation, being burnt out, and home sometimes is anything but a good environment for studying. Hence, I conclude that assigning homework for young learners at school is not a good method from all perspectives.
On the other hand, I think kids have more time for improving themselves if they aren't enforced to do homework. Pupils can impede time for being stress, anxious due to doing numerous assignments at school and home. Furthermore, they have more time for creating endeavors, contributing to character development and overall health. For instance, without homework, children might be able to play video games, sports, hang out with friends, or spend time with family. They could have more time for learning useful soft skills, favorite subjects, and seeking a vocational career as well. Although kids maybe not diligent or disciplined in their studying, I still believe it's worth being.
In summary, I appreciate it if schools would ban homework. Homework has specific benefits, on the contrary, the advantages of not being given homework far outweigh that.
(4 paragraphs, 318 words)
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There is an inclusion of unverified information in the prompt restatement that has affected the accuracy of the paraphrase. Nowhere in the original does it say that homework wastes the time of the student. As a personal opinion of the author, this should be reflected in his personal opinion presentation. Additionally, the essay does not require that both sides be discussed from the personal opinion of the author. Rather , the reasoning explanation for both viewpoints must be justified from a public standpoint. It based upon this comparison that the personal opinion presentation should be based. These ewors in prompt restatement and discussion formats form the basis of the early demerits in TA scoring for the presentation.
The essay is only composed of 4 paragraphs, all based on the personal s of the writer. The keywords "some people" and "others" denote the public opinion point of iiiel and necessary 3rd person reference explanation paragraphs. This is a comparative, rather than single opinion essay. Therefore, even at 318 words, the incorrect discussion presentation will affect the final score of this analytical presentation in a negative manner.
It's frequently It is thought that homework ..., however, there're they are proponents who ... In my view, as I'll I will be arguing both, ... of that, however, repetitive grammar, try to write it in different waythey will receive benefits more than that.
Comment: A small error I found is that you should not use contraction in academic writing like this.