Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

'In Hong-Kong diversity is nothing more than a mixture of identities' Rutgers


CarmenCM 3 / 5  
Oct 8, 2011   #1
Do you think I am giving tangible response to the Question???
Please criticize!!! Thzzzzzz!


Required Essay: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

Diversity.To most Hong Kong citizens,diversity is nothing more than a mixture of identities.When there are a variety of "things"coexisting in society,"We are diverse!",as claimed by many Hong Kongers.Yet,what diversity actually means to me is the willingness to approach the variations.I tend to take one step forward to expose myself to different cultures instead of merely being aware their existence.Most importantly,I myself develop a diverse character by performing my best in academic field and sports.This makes me a truly diverse teenager internally and externally.

Unlike most candidates who sheer indulge themselves in textbooks,I am determined to shine both at school and in the swimming pool.Since primary four,swimming has linked with my academic work.This habit is the most arduous at the beginning of each school term,when the start of new term merges with the forthcoming Inter-school Swimming Gala.In order to build up stable groundwork for the new school year as well as grab the golden time for the last preparation for the race,I strictly adhere to the saying"do the right things at the right time".At school,I squeeze the time between breaks to revise.In the pool,I temporarily clear the school work from my mind and pay full attention to swimming.I know vividly that self discipline is of paramount importance if I want to survive successfully in a diverse condition.In Rutgers,I am sure that I can glow in various areas thanks to the adaptation of crossing school work and sports.My talents cannot be shown fully without a diverse atmosphere like the vibrant community in Rutgers.

I believe that a proper way to face the external diversity is equally crucial,especially in Rutgers,where there are thousands of international students from 125 countries.I am confident that my experience in dealing with people with different cultures can equip me to get along well with my fellow schoolmates in the future.In S5, when I was arranging the parents of the S1 newcomers to take the interview,I met a black father came from Nepal,who was sitting vaguely while other Chinese parents had queued up.At that time,I did hesitate whether I should help him as I did not know and had never spoken to any middle-east foreigners."Sir, may I help you?" I plucked up my courage ultimately."Yes!Please, I don't understand ..."My first time to serve foreigners was successful after watching him left with a content simile.From then on, I cherished the chances to meet different people actively.When the exchange students,Marica from Italy and Carolina from Finland arrived,I took the initiative to talk to them and introduced our Chinese culture.I told Marica the symbolic meaning of dragon to Chinese and how we celebrate the Lunar New Year.When Carolina was query about the special note above the word"Beijing",I told her about the Putonghua tone and the differences between Putonghua and Cantonese.My skill for getting along with people of cultures was honed owing to my initiative to meet foreigners.

I regard introducing the Chinese culture as my mission.By bringing the culture of my motherland into the Rutgers'campus,I intend to embellish the diverse environment with more eastern features.These days,China is growing to a more influential nation and I hope to serve as a link between China and Rutgers by my role as an international student.My cousin who is lives in the US told me that he is attending Chinese classes to learn Chinese culture,but I reckon only by meeting a Chinese resident can American students explore more about our most native customs.If given the opportunity to be a member of such a diverse yet harmony family in Rutgers,I will devote myself to motivating others to become a truly diverse person with clear directions and garnishing the campus with my Chinese root.

Dande 4 / 6  
Oct 9, 2011   #2
In Rutgers,I am sure that I can glow in various areas thanks to the adaptation of crossing school work and sports
I know there is nothing wrong with this sentence, but I suppose it is a little weak and should be more convincing. You know, this is the first sentence to represent a critical idea ( " how would you benefit from such an environment"-the prompt). I would rewrite : the academic and sport environment of Rutgers will for sure lend me more opportunities to glow in various areas. ( sorry if it is not exact to your original message :) )

I believe that a proper way to face the external diversity is equally crucial,especially in Rutgers,where there are thousands of international students from 125 countries

I'm not cut out for this idea.
I am confident that my experience in dealing with people with different cultures can equip me to get along well with my fellow schoolmates in the future

Here again I think it should be stronger 'cause it answers how you contribute to Rutgers uni.

I am extremely interested in your essay, I like the way you wrote on thoughts of diversity, very interesting :D There are many sentences that do not sound much " english", though.

^^
OP CarmenCM 3 / 5  
Oct 9, 2011   #3
Thank you x10000000000000000000!

the academic and sport environment of Rutgers will for sure lend me more opportunities to glow in various areas
you exactly express wt i mean,thx !

i know ...my sentences are not natural and native enough as English is my second language, but I just don't know how to solve this problem and I can only turn to some foreign guys for help :(

sometimes I hv the idea in my mind but I fail to write it out due to my pooooor English (just like the sentence you modified for me)

would you mind helping me to correct some of them (the one u think sounds strange)?
or simply point out those sentences so that I can tune them?
It's really difficult for me to discover them.

again and again,,,thanks so much !
Dande 4 / 6  
Oct 10, 2011   #4
I believe that a proper way to face the external diversity is equally crucial,especially in Rutgers,where there are thousands of international students from 125 countries.

With thousands of international students from 125 countries, Rutgers must be an miniature version of the world that I am always looking for.
I am confident that my experience in dealing with people with different cultures can equip me to get along well with my fellow schoolmates in the future

Previous contacts with foreigners offer me enough confidence to get along well with peers at Rutgers.
When the exchange students,Marica from Italy and Carolina from Finland arrived,I took the initiative to talk to them and introduced our Chinese culture.

Another memorable time was when I welcome exchange students, Marica from Italy and Carolina from Finland with hospitality.
My skill for getting along with people of cultures was honed owing to my initiative to meet foreigners.
The interests in other cultures has helped me with confidence to improve communication ability.

Honestly, I dont know how to rewrite, I recommend that sentences be shorter, more acute and offer more information. Your sentences are too long for me to grab all ideas. Just make it easier for anyone, whoever they are to understand :)

I will be extremmmmmmmely glad if my suggestions are helpful ~^^~
yungtszwing 3 / 5  
Oct 13, 2011   #5
OMG!!!!
im from hong kong too!!
i wanted to go to rutgers too! :D:D

btw be friends


Home / Writing Feedback / 'In Hong-Kong diversity is nothing more than a mixture of identities' Rutgers