At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people.
Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?
Thanks to rapid developments of the world, governments nowadays have a tendency to encourage their citizens to increase the birth rate in order to satisfy the need of countries.By the same token, the preponderance of countries are likely to possess a huge number of teenagers, which is more than that of elder.Despite the fact that everything has its own perks, i personally believe that this is an efficacious phenomenon having a great deal of virtues that definitely outweigh the drawbacks.
Firstly, it is argued that young adults will bring to the society a multitude of advantages especially in terms of human resources.As we know,the more the country has developed, the more inventions and products must be spawned .Therefore,having a rise in the population of young generations is immensely significant proven by the pivotal roles of their creativity and physical strengths.Moreover, this phenomenon also represents a necessary replacement for the elderly who have the inability to provide effective and creative products to the country.According to a recent study by Boston University, despite the fact that everyone has their own lifespan, they all have a similar period of time that could provide the most efficient production and it often lasts for 25 years from 20 to 45 years old.After that, the majority of people will have a tendency to decline their productivity more than a half compared with that of the past.Thus, this makes it clear that having a great deal of young adults could ensure the process of developing the country.
To add credence to my assertion, several baleful upshots of having a large number of old people which is much more than that of young people are factors that i will point out next.According to the government, everyone has their own rights to receive specific payments and insurances which ensure the stability of their life after retiring.Moreover, the costs of these services are taken from the budget of the government and taxes of workers. Therefore, it is discernibly understandable that the country will have an extreme economic repercussion if old people expand their lifespan more than the period that the government expected.Meanwhile,young generations could compensate for the loss of money and produce constant incomes to stabilize the economy of the country.For example, the BBC news reported in June 2018 that Japan - the country that possesses a great number of elders having longest life spans - suffered from a significant downward trend of the economy and lost its rank in the world hierarchy by virtues of an increase in the population of the elderly to nearly 80 years old on average .All things considered, the phenomenon of having multiple young adults more than old people will reduce the huge amount of money of services for elderly people.
To encapsulate,although every situation has both advantages and drawbacks, I absolutely reckon that having a huge number of young generations will bring more efficacious implications for society by virtue of a constant source of incomes and the ability to compensate the amount of money that serves as public services for retired people.
IT WOULD BE MY PLEASURE IF YOU COULD HELP ME TO SCORE THIS ESSAY AND IMPROVE MY WORK !
Good command of grammar and vocab. Though i think that the essay can be improved and be more convincing.
For example, in paragraph 2, i think you can be more focused on your point that young adults are beneficial to the sociery as for human resource. For example, you can point out that this increase the talent pool of the country and ensures prosperous development of a country. The first few sentences were fine.
"After that, the majority of people will have ..." I think for this sentence, you can explain more on the point you are trying to bring accross. So forexample --> tendency to devline their productivity will lead to a less productive workforce. I think it is important to add a sentence to further explain the point that you're trying to bring accross do readers are able to understand better.
"For example, the BBC news reported in ..." Same goes to this sentence, I think u can add on another explaination sentence - "This means that the country;s economy could suffer due to continuous effort to support the elderly."
These are just my 2 cents, do take it with a pinch of salt as I am also a learner. Overall, I would say the examples given are good, and good command of english as well. Keep up the efforts! :)
First, if you want to bring this to your IELTS exam, I'd say your essay is far too long. In fact, it includes 525 words. How can you manage to finish it in 40 minutes? Or even 60 minutes? Thus, my first suggestion is that you should reduce your writing to a sufficient length, ie. 260-280 words.
Second, I personally suggest that you should naturalise your tone by limiting the use of strong adverbs and solid expressions, eg. definitely, as we know, must, immensely significant, they all have, will, etc. Instead, you can consider some alternatives like possibly, might, more likely, seem, most people, would, could, etc.
Finally, your word choices are too fancy to me. If I were you, I would not see academic writing as an opportunity for showing off vocabulary. It must be lexical ability for me.
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This being your first attempt at writing a task 2 essay, I can see the problems within your work. Most of which would make it difficult for you to pass the test. So, it would be better if I do not score your essay for now. The main problem that you have with this task is that you approached it like you would an academic research paper. The task 2 essay uses only commonly known information, personal experience, and personal understanding of the given topic in its discussion.
You created a heavily researched paper that, although it properly informs the reader, does not follow the required format of a Task 2 essay. Contrary to public opinion, the format and the content are vital to the scoring system. This essay asks you to consider the advantages and disadvantages based on your personal observations, knowledge, and experience. It does not require you to cite sources in the essay. Whether you made up the information or not is not the point. The point is, you have to craft the presentation in a personal, rather than academic manner. That means, using the correct pronouns throughout the essay and focusing your content only on what you know about the topic.
Surely you have grandparents and know of older people whose accomplishments in life you can compare to the youth of your country. That is the kind of information the examiner is looking for. He wants to know that you understood what the question is asking and what factors compose the response to the question. In this essay, you showed that you understood the question, but failed to understand how you were expected to discuss it. So the content matters more than the other scoring factors. If you cannot understand English enough to follow instructions, how can you be expected to perform in an English academic setting? Exactly.
Build up your analytical skills first. Learn to decipher what the discussion requirements are and write about it in the essay. You may create an outline to help you with that task:
Topic: the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people.
Discussion: Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?
More young people =
Lesser older people =
Outcome = A/D
You need to list the factors per element (young vs old) and count which has the greater supporting factors. Your response should be based on the factors you have listed as you can clearly see the winning side in the discussion through the listed information. Do not over analyze it. Keep it simple. Just think about it and write. This is not a dissertation piece. It is just a simple opinion essay composed of 4 paragraphs, no more than 275-290 words required for higher scoring consideration.