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Human being actions are leading to the extinction of species and loss of bio-diversity

kmc 2 / 3 2  
May 25, 2018   #1
essay: causes and solutions

Dear reviewers,
Please comment, and if possible, estimate the band score for my IELTS academic writing 2 essay. Thanks in advance!

Influence of human being on the world's ecosystem is leading to the extinction of species and loss of bio-diversity.
What are the primary causes of loss of bio-diversity? What solutions can you suggest?

In our times, a staggering number of animal and plant species is facing the threat of becoming extinct due to human activities. This essay will examine the main reasons for this phenomenon and ways to tackle the problem will be analysed.

The first cause of the diminishing diversity of biological life is pollution. Land, water, air and nuclear pollution contribute significantly to the global warming issue, which directly affects the wildlife. Many animals are unable to live under higher temperature. An example is polar bear who cannot survive in the poles with melted iceberg and limited food supply. Another factor is deforestation for wood logging and city development. Without vegetation, the animals' habitat is totally destroyed. Thus, living things find it hard to exist or reproduce and become endangered.

To remedy the situation of wildlife extinction, the public awareness of environmental protection should be raised. More educational promotion has to be done to instill to the citizens the importance of being eco-friendly. People should be reminded that the temperature of air-conditioner should be set at 25.5 degree Celsius to lessen the negative effects of global warming. Another possible solution is more stringent laws and regulations. The government should set up fines for polluters with the polluters pay principle. This can be illustrated by laws requiring factories to pay according to the waste produced in a certain period of time. This aims at reducing the level of pollution.

In conclusion, the major human causes to the depletion of flora and fauna include serious pollution and cutting of trees. To protect our ecosystem, we should be more aware of protecting the earth.

Holt [Contributor] - / 9,011 2713  
May 26, 2018   #2
CCY, I believe that this essay can only get an overall score of 5. The score is based on your ample, but simple discussion of the given essay topic. There were certain problems with your TA, C&C, as well as your GRA scores. Let me tackle these individually below.

For the TA section, You have to remember that the prompt paraphrase needs to be completely represent the original prompt discussion in a first person presentation style. Overall, the paragraphs always need to have between 3-5 sentences in order to be properly scored. In the TA section, you only have 2 sentences because you merged the discussion for 2 instructions into one sentence. That is the worst way to increase your GRA score in relation to the TA section. The GRA is increased by writing between the minimum and maximum number of sentences per paragraph. In this case, I would have written this as:

There is a belief that people are causing an imbalance in the biodiversity of the planet. This has led to the annihilation of certain animals and other species in the wildlife. As such, there are several major causes of this problem that have led to this essay discussion. This essay will represent a reason or two regarding the cause of the problem and how it might be solved.

Use certain keywords from the original prompt whenever you can to signal to the examiner that you understood the topic and instructions. In other areas, use other versions of the keywords known as synonyms. Make sure the thesis statement stays on point with the original presentation though. Otherwise, your essay will deviate from the original instruction for discussion.

Now, for the C&C sections, the main scoring consideration is that the paragraph must be a complete and developed discussion of only 1 given topic. The subject line for this is normally used in the first sentence of the 3-5 sentence presentation. One topic should be represented completely with:

1. Cause of biodiversity loss
2. Reason for its continued occurrence
3. Explanation for this occurrence
4. Additional reasoning
5. Example.

The better presentation for this discussion would have been as follows:
1. Prompt paraphrase
2. Cause
3. Public solution
4. Government solution
5. Concluding Summary based on body paragraph discussions

Whenever solutions are asked for in an essay, it is always best to present a public and government solution so that the 5 paragraph requirement, which also maximizes the overall scoring potential of a student, is met. In your current discussion, you did not really have a chance to develop your reasons because you just kept on throwing in multiple reasons, without actually explaining these. The result is an under developed discussion which is weakened by the lack of supporting statements in your paragraphs.

These weak and confusing paragraph discussions indicate that you are only focused on writing as many words as you can to meet the word count. When you should instead be focused on showcasing or highlighting your English discussion prowess through proper English thinking, writing in English, and proper sentence structures. All of which were affected by your lack of focus on the quality of your work. You are scored on quality, not quantity in this essay.
OP kmc 2 / 3 2  
May 26, 2018   #3
Thanks Holt for the detailed advice!

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