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The human activities on our earth make some animal species becoming extinct

VayaIelts9 1 / -  
Jan 3, 2019   #1
Hello, my name is Vaya and I am an IELTS student.
I need feedback in the term of task response, coherence and cohesion, grammar, and lexical resource.

to keep the animal stocks on land and in the sea in balance

The animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land in the sea.
What are the reasons and solutions?

The human activities on land in sea make some animal species are becoming extinct. The fishing activities who did aggressively by the sailors for food and the usage of reptile skins for the fashion industries become the main reasons for this problem. The captivity of the particular fish in the sea and the reptile for the fashion industries supply are the solutions for those of the main topic.

The high demand of food consumption in some countries especially in Japan makes the sailors do the fishing activity aggressively. The Japanese habit makes the fish market always provide the fish stocks every time particularly for Salmon and Tuna fish. Surprisingly, The Japan Times reported that the number of Salmon and Tuna's as their primary food reached 880 tonnes per annum in 2014 and it made people in other parts region of this world asked Japan to limit their fishing activities.

In the fashion industries sector, they prefer to use reptile skins as their favourite raw material especially from Python's snakes' skin. Most of them used the Python's skins from the forests in the South-East Asia countries such as Indonesia, Vietnam, and Cambodia. A large number of giant Python's population in Indonesia make this country become the biggest supplier of Python's skin for the high-level boutiques in this world. However, based on the local newspaper in Indonesia, the population of the wild Python were frequently decreased since 2010 while the sales price of this was cheap around 2 million Rupiah per kilogram. In fact, the giant Python size usually around 20 kilograms with 5 metres or each.

To conclude, the limitation of fishing activities and reptile hunting's should be implemented as soon as possible to keep the animal stocks on land in the sea are the balance. Japan country should have their own breeding area in their sea, especially for Salmon and Tuna species. In addition, high-level fashion branded industries should have their own reptile captivity for their own raw material.

Holt [Contributor] - / 9,717 3062  
Jan 4, 2019   #2
Vaya, you have not written this essay under realistic considerations. You have done actual research in an effort to create an impressive, based on knowledge essay. Since you will not have internet access at the exam center, since this test is pen and paper based, you are not practicing under a proper exam setting. You will not be able to write any essay topic response properly if you get used to doing research before writing your practice essay.

Your knowledge regarding the topic is not as important as your ability to present simple and complex English sentence in the proper grammatical structure. That is actually the biggest problem of this essay presentation. It is confusing to read because of the improper sentence presentations. It also shows that you do not have the ability to properly structure even a simple sentence in English. Therefore, this essay will be scored severely low in terms of Coherence and Cohesiveness, Lexical Resource, and Grammar Range and Accuracy considerations. You might not be able to pass the test using this type of presentation.

Work on improving your English sentence presentations. Do not write using internet research. Write using a timer set to 40 minutes to complete the task. You have the right idea for your presentation, it is just the English skill that is lacking at this point. Do not rely on non-existent tools at the exam center so that you can get a better idea of your actual essay writing skills.
cezar_matreniuc 1 / 2 1  
Jan 4, 2019   #3
The human activities on ... instead of this I would say The human reckless activities on land in sea lead to extinction of some specific animals - then you can add some examples

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