Human activities and industrial waste become the main reasons regarding extinctions of animal life

Halo, I'm Herdi Andrariladchi and I'm a student from Indonesia
I need feedback for lexical grammar, vocabularies, task achievements, task response, coherence and cohesion
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The animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land and in sea.
What are the reasons and solutions?

protecting animals from extinction

Nowadays biodiversity damage and even killed the animal in the land or in the sea due to human activities, land use issues and also deforestations become the main reasons animal losing their extinctions in the land. Moreover, pollution and waste become the reason that make animals in sea gone and the viable solutions are rising the government policy and regulation also make a mandatory for waste management program.

In the land area, animals die as soon as their land destroyed by human. The human activities such as deforestation, hunting animal, and change the environment to become human land are the reason that causing animals becoming extinct. The extinction that belongs to the animals decline in every year. The consequence of this reason made animals hard to find their food and place for living, animals even suffer in every single day they live. For example, in rural area whereas the animals living for, people just change into a hotels and villas and pursuing the animals to leave the place. Thus, could make animals gone from the place and even gone forever in this world. While, in the sea level, waste of productions and manufacturing become the reason why the animals gone and extinct. Fish and every animal in the sea hard to breath and get the oxygen, while the water also polluted by the toxic from the waste. For example, the plastic waste contains a lot of toxic and when it dumps to the sea, the sea level of toxic could increase and damage the biodiversity that living in the sea. The consequence even worst, fish can be gone forever. Thus, will become dangerous for human life and animals.

The effective solutions from the issues are, government must put high value on environment and biodiversity, increase the fines and the consequence for those who damage the land use because people only afraid of the fines rather than neighborhood. For example, when someone use the land for their infrastructure and personal need without any possible reason, the building could be destroyed and they must payed for a big money so they can have their own land. Thus, could increase people awareness for the animals and land use. Also, the waste management program regarding the sustainability management must be apply by all industrial, commercial and even a company. Giving them a responsible to take care of the neighborhood could increase their awareness and help animals to live in this world especially for the sea animals, where the waste always been dumps by the company. The waste could change into industrial electricity and even could help to reduce the use of national electricity. For example, company must provide the machine of the waste management that can turn the waste into the heat and change become the electricity. Thus, could reduce the waste in the sea level and also helping other creature to live in their place with a peace.

In conclusion, human activities and industrial waste that become the main reasons regarding extinctions of animal life could handle by the government using the fines and the strict regulations with a good policy and giving the responsible for the waste management to protect the biodiversity and control the waste.

Hi Herdi.
Try to keep your discussions within the 3-5 sentences per paragraph format especially in paragraph 2 and paragraph 3. In IELTS exam, you just have 40 minutes for writing task 2 and it is possible to write up to 500 words like this essay. I'm not expert in IELTS, but I have an IELTS exam last year so I hope my feedback can be useful for you. Goodluck!

Herdi, contrary to the advice given to you above, it is not possible to write 500 words during this 40 minute essay writing task because of the requirements of the essay. You must be able to read, understand, brainstorm, draft, review, revise, edit, and finalize the content of the essay, in English, within 40 minutes. On the contrary, the longest essay that you can write, being an ESL speaker will be between 275-300 words. That is a guaranteed word range based on the requirements of the essay. The next time you write a practice essay, use a timer, that will be the best way to assume how many words you might be able to write given a particular topic during the actual test. Remember, you have editing consideration to allot time for as well so don't use up all 40 minutes just drafting the essay.

Now, it is fairly obvious to the reader that you have done extensive research, most likely internet based research for this essay. That is why it is highly technical in discussion and offers highly researched discussion points. Kindly remember that you are taking a pen and paper test at the center. That means you will not have access to internet sources during the test. Therefore, you will only be able to use what little or extensive knowledge you have, based on personal knowledge and experience to write the essay. That is another reason why you will be unable to write 500 words during the actual test.

The advice given to you regarding the 3-5 sentence minimum and maximum requirement is correct though so you should keep that in mind when writing your paragraphs. Now, it will be better for me to not consider this essay as your first practice test. The first essay is always the one that I base my advice for correction upon. While your essay is clearly presented in terms of reasoning, it requires a shortening of discussion. Therefore, for your next practice test, try to make yourself understood in English within the required sentence allotment. I will begin a more in-depth analysis of your next essay because I hope to see you present a more properly formatted essay at that point.

By the way, since this is a direct question essay, please begin the statement by rephrasing the prompt for discussion and then offering 2 more sentences that directly respond to the questions provided. These 2 responses will be the topic sentences for your reasoning paragraphs. The opening paragraph basically serves to help you outline the discussion presentation every time so take the time to properly understand the discussion instructions then address it properly in the first paragraph. It will make it easier for you to write the reasoning paragraphs because you have already outlined and mapped your discussion topics beforehand.