Human activity is more pleasure due to ...
If I were you, then I would develop my paragraph with at least three sentences. This way helps you gain more score in coherence.
Since this is the second prompt that I find here in a row, I won't discuss the intro in details. Simply check my ideas related to the opening paragraph here: https://essayforum.com/writing/internet-made-human-lives-convenient-70420/
The great advantage of the internet is online shopping
This does not go hand in hand with the thesis statement. Try to align your thesis with the topic sentence.
Online shopping appeared
You need to write this with present tense, not the past one.
enable people to fulfill various live necessities
... ENABLES ... DAILY ...
IELTS is an international exam, meaning that it is your task to discuss worldwide common issues. Instead of talking about TOKOPEDIA.COM, why don't you think of AMAZON.COM???
I suggest reading sample answers as many as you can. This helps you improve your grammar, vocabulary and ideas in conjunction with IELTS essays. Hope this helps :D
a heap of luck