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Human activity have posed a serious threat to the environment.


payal1982 10 / 19 5  
Jul 14, 2016   #1
Hi I am preparing for my Toefl exam. please see below and give me feedback

Some people believe that the Earth is being harmed (damaged) by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the Earth a better place to live. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

The recent advances in technology has created unprecedented opportunities for the current generation. Humans have contributed a lot to the development of society. Various unanswered questions from the past have been worked upon by the collaborative efforts of humans. Today, we can connect to our family and friends instantly. The rise of internet, growth of aviation industry are some of the few areas which have added to our convenience. But for all these advances a cost has been paid. The natural resources have been exploited to an enormous extent. Some people feel that human activity has harmed the Earth while some believe human activities have made it a better place. In my view, human activity has harmed more than making the Earth a better place. I have two reasons to support my argument which I will explore further in the essay.

First, thousands of trees have been cut to build beautiful mansions, offices and buildings. This deforestation has resulted in meager rainfalls in some areas which has affected the crop production on a large basis. Less production has affected the supply chains and have resulted in inflation. For example, there was a report on agriculture published recently. The statistics suggest that many countries have been exporting a lot of cereals due to less production owing to unfavorable conditions. People have been affected both financially and socially by this activity. Ecological imbalance can have serious consequences. The livestock and birds get affected too as the natural habitats of many animals have been damaged due to deforestation.

Second, the rise of automobiles and aviation industry is a threat to future generations in terms of oil. The significant rise of these industries have led to increased consumption of oil per capita basis. These oil deposits are limited and will last not more than 200 years. The time and cost of production is too high for oils. Renewable energy resources can be used as a replacement but these are still being worked upon. It poses a serious threat. Also, there has been increase in pollution and emission of various harmful gases in atmosphere. It has resulted in a serious concern of global warming. The consequences of which are increased sea levels and hence disturbed natural balance.

Human activity have posed a serious threat to the environment. The destruction of trees has disturbed the ecological balance and changed the production patterns. The over use of oils has almost depleted the natural resources. Additionally, Global warming is a serious concern. All these facts make me believe human activity has harmed the earth in numerous ways.

mdirilo 1 / 2  
Jul 14, 2016   #2
Here's my feedback- the sentences here seem choppy. Also,a lot of them kind of run together.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jul 14, 2016   #3
Hi Payal, it is nice to be working with you again. I would like to focus on delivering my feedback related to your introduction and conclusion paragraph. I hope you find my feedback is helpful towards your essay TOEFL writing development.

1st (introduction) paragraph:
- The recent advances in technology hashave created unprecedented... ("advances" is plural)
- The rise of the Internetand the growth of aviation industry are some of the few areas... (mind the coordinating conjunction, capitalization, and article usage.)

- ButHowever, for all these advances, a cost has been paid. (avoid using "But" in the beginning of the sentence. It is considered as informal in academic essay)

- Therefore, I have two main reasons to support my argument which...

4th (conclusion) paragraph:
- In conclusion, human activity havehas posed a serious.. ("activity" is singular. "activities" is plural)
- The over-use of oils has...
- Additionally, ...the natural resources which makes global warming isbecomes a serious concern. Thus, all these facts make me believe human... (I have combined the sentence about "oil" to global warming. Using "additionally/in addition" as cohesive device in the last paragraph is dangerous. The examiner can consider it as a new idea. Conclusion should never mention any new ideas.)

That's it Payal, I hope that you can follow through the feedback above and gain some improvements from that. Good luck for the next practice :)
OP payal1982 10 / 19 5  
Jul 15, 2016   #4
Thanks so much ichanpants89. You have motivated me to write more as I am learning a lot. I will keep giving meaningful feedback to others in this forum too.

My exam is a month later. I am sure with feedbacks like that I will reach my goal of getting the top score

Thanks!


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