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TOEFL - Human needs vs. saving land for endangered animals


LeonP 3 / 5 1  
Apr 8, 2014   #1
Hi community,

this is the newst essay I did for the TOEFL preparation. In my opinion this one is my best one so far, but would you mind rating and correcting it? Thank you in advance!

Some people think that human needs for farmland, housing, and industry are more important than saving land for endangered animals. Do you agree with this point of view? Why or why not? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

In the past centuries the population steadily grew and now, for the first time in history, is exceeding seven billion. As a result more and more natural environment had to be vanished to make room for housing, feeding and industry. But isn't it important to preserve the land to maintain the other species living on our planet? In my opinion, we clearly have to change our attitude towards the environment because of several reasons.

First, the natural diversity is very important for further generations. If we don't change our behavior we will extinct many species living for millions of years on the planet. As we destroy the natural habitat, like forests, jungles and lakes, to make place for our industry and farmland, we rob the ecosystem. To illustrate, every day a massive part of the Rainforest in South America is destroyed to provide wood and farmland. If we don't preserve this important part of our ecosystem many endangered animals will loose their natural habitat and go extinct. As a result, further generations will never have the opportunity to see and study these animals.

In addition, a stable and sustainable environment is essential for the weather. Our behavior causes pollution, which heavily affects the weather conditions on planet Earth and causes the undoubtedly Global Warming. This not only affects the endangered animals, but also the humans because we are affected by the increasing sea level and the climatic changes. For example, recent studies from the United Nations Organization have shown that, till 2050 the sea level will increase over one meter in the average. This will dramaticly affect all people living near the coast and change the global climate.

In conclusion, there is to say that, given the arguments above, we definitely have to change our behavior towards the environment, not only to preserve the endangered animals but also to preserve our own living conditions.

kikiliyik 12 / 35 2  
Apr 8, 2014   #2
good, but you have to be careful with spelling error
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Apr 8, 2014   #3
If we don't (write do not, instead of using contracted form) change our behavior (a comma) we will extinct many species living for millions of years on the planet.

In conclusion, there is to say that, given the arguments above, we definitely have to change our behavior towards the environment, not only to preserve the endangered animals but also to preserve our own living conditions.

The red phrase shows complexity.
Given this evidence, it can be seen that we definitely have to change our behavior towards the environment, not only to preserve the endangered animals, but also to preserve our own living conditions.
sntinn 8 / 36 9  
Apr 8, 2014   #4
Hi LeonP

To me, most of sentences are grammatically correct; I would like to suggest an alternative ways on some particular part in your essay.

Our behavior causes pollution, which heavily affects the weather conditions on planet Earth and causes the undoubtedly Global Warming. This not only affects the endangered animals, but it also makes our life harder to livehumans because of the unpredictable weather and more frequent natural disaster.we are affected by the increasing sea level and the climatic changes . For example, recent studies from the United Nations Organization have shown that, tillin 2050, the sea level will increase over one meter in the average. This The rising sea level will dalmatical ly affect all people living near the coast and change the global climate

In the green highlight, I would have said that The rising sea level will cause large migration of coastal area people leading to the overpopulation in the land areas as well as the large amount of water evaporation and precipitation leading to the larger and fiercer storms around the world.

PS. this is from a kind of movie. ^ ^
OP LeonP 3 / 5 1  
Apr 9, 2014   #5
Thanks to all of you for your help and advices. As you will have noticed, I find it hard to write short sencentes. That's because in my mothertongue (german) we are used to make long sencentes ;-)


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