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toefl essay - Human is a threat to an another human

Keng 39 / 134  
Jan 8, 2010   #1
Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill
I am preparing for an exam, so please help me

The question is that

Some people believe that the earth is being harmed (damaged) by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the earth a better place to live. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Human is a threat to an another human

In my view, human activities are detrimental to the earth. Many chemical industries bring about air, water and noise pollutants to people living in a nearby community. Without concrete measures to solve these problems, people are not able to lead a happy and stable life.

To begin with, an oil refinery located near a village can expel dangerous substances which destroy respiratory system. To illustrate, my friend, john, live within a mile away from a TPI Oil factory. When going to work, he has to walk past the factory every day. After doing this for a month, he has a problem with breathing system. An air passage tends to be sore and small dust is deposited in it. This difficulty causes him to go to a hospital every so that he cannot continue the routine life.

Furthermore, a trash recycling factory located near the canal discharge waste water which triggers stomach problems among local people. For example, one of my neighbors, Mr Kong, always takes a bath in the canal every evening. After a Sam Recycle factory is established, it releases tons of dirty water to the canal, which causes a skin allergy to people who swim in the canal. They are admitted into a hospital immediately because of his unusual skin cancer. They have to drop out of a school and their parents must pay more money to heal them.

More importantly, a stone mill near a village affects lifestyles of people living nearby. For instance, my aunt who has had a serene life near a mountain for a long time cannot lead a normal life after The TAK mill factory is built. As drilling rock every day to export to foreign countries, it triggers noise that has a severe effect on a local school. Students there cannot continue their studying so that they will not have a chance to further higher education.

In conclusion, there are a lot of tremendous problems brought about by a chemical factory. It forces people to move to other areas with a tranquil atmosphere suitable for a living, eliminates local lifestyles of swimming in a canal, which is not easily seen, and affects improving knowledge of people not having an opportunity to study in a city.

KingFire 1 / 12  
Jan 8, 2010   #2
Our English teacher taught us a formula that should be only used for the TOEFL.

4 pragraphs.

the introduction should include a hook, like a quotation, a joke, or a very short story.

There should be also a thesis in your introduction, where you talk about the main reasons behind your choise (usually agree or disagree)

The second paragraph is talking about the first reason. Try to back that paragraph up with some statistics or examples ( you can fake them, the TOEFL guys will not run to his phone and call you, "Excuse me sir, you wrote in your essay that 67% of female learn driving faster than men according to CNN, well I've just checked CNN and your information is false", that won't happen so be. and remmeber, your cousin has done everything!)

The third paragraph is explaining the second reason.

Then you come up with conclusion. Which should include your thesis somewhere.

If you done that right. I can guaranty that you would have at least 25 of 30 in the writing section in toefl. You just need to use some complex vocabulary to get 30 out of 30

Your introduction is weak, try to start with a hook, like, for example,

Bill Gates once said, "Would your mother wish you harm? No! then why do you harm her, and harm us in the process? Our mother earth needs our care."

Of course this hook is messy, but it's just to give you an idea.

Can you read my A&M Essay and give me feedback.
thank you.
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Jan 8, 2010   #3
toefl essay at least five paragraphs as i have learned.
linhexi 9 / 28  
Jan 10, 2010   #4
From your first to third paragraph you used many examples to illustrate your point, and I think that's nice.
yin 12 / 38  
Jan 16, 2010   #5
I find that your essay somehow vague and doesn't focus on the requirements of the topic:

Some people believe that the earth is being harmed (damaged) by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the earth a better place to live. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In this essay, you should make comparison between two points of view: why earth is being harmed/improved by human.
In addition, you have to explain some more how it is harmed rather than mention too much how these consequences affect your life or other people's life.

Your strength in this essay is that you gave a lot of examples, which easily satisfy the needs of toefl essay models. But, these example should focus on the right points.

Overall, it's OK.
Good luck ^^
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Jan 16, 2010   #6
Thank you for your feedback. It seems that i may lose a point in an essay exam because i do not understand the given prompt clearly.

I think i seldom have an opportunity to pass an essay for Master Degree.

Anyways, i really apprepriate your foretelling my score.

If i passed an essay exam, it would be very lucky

A big sorrow for me?

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