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IELTS - humans should be able to use animals for their own benefit?

dranu78 1 / 3  
Mar 13, 2011   #1
Hi ,

I am posting my essay, I am a beginner , Kindly correct my essay.

Topic-Some people believe that humans should be able to use animals for
their own benefit, while others argue that the rights of animals should be

Man has dominated all his fellow beings on earth because of his superior brain. He has domesticated a large number of animals and birds and makes use of them to make life easier and convenient for himself. Many people encourage the use of animals for their personal needs, while others are concerned that animals should not be misused. This essay will discuss some arguments for and against animal domestication.

Human being has driven many animals for their personal use such as, cows and other milch animals for yielding milk from them. Likewise, other animals such as, horses, cattles and donkeys for farming, agriculture and as a mode of transportation. Many people keep pets like dogs and cats, trained them as service dogs and snuffing dogs which are very helpful to police force and even to some blind peoples. They are kept for security purposes in houses.

On the other hand, many farmers and owners exploit animals beyond their limits. For instance, cows are often injected by Oxytocin, a hormone which is used to forcibly increase lactation. This in turn, causes lots of discomfort and pain to the cattle. Furthermore, thousand of animals undergo painful suffering or death as a result of scientific research of drugs and various products. Another example of this is cage farming which is against animal rights. Many other practices like, equestrian sport where horses run miles and miles and beaten up by jockeys to make them run more faster. And above all pleasure hunting of defenseless animals.

From my prospective, human being should behave as a guardian to animals rather than as their lord or masters. Animal rights are meant to set limits on human behavior and manipulation of them should be punished as a serious crime.

Borislav 6 / 20  
Mar 13, 2011   #2
It is quite a good piece of writing. You have addressed and developed the topic very skillfully, you have very good examples and a clear thesis. Almost perfect. How much time did it take you to write that?
OP dranu78 1 / 3  
Mar 13, 2011   #3
Thanks Borislav,

It took me around one hour to write this essay.

Can you please introduce yourself .

Are you also planning to sit IELTS exam?

Is the format good enough ?

I need a score of 7 in writing can anyone suggest is this a level 7 essay??
TransferringStu 2 / 6  
Mar 13, 2011   #4
You address the topic well and it is a well written essay. Just a few structural flaws which could be easily fixed.

Even though it doesn't say so, I am assuming that the prompt implies you pick a side and support it (which is almost 95% of the time the case). Assuming this much, you should state your view point on this topic explicitly in the first paragraph, instead of having people assume it throughout the paper and tell them your view at the end. It sets the tone that your essay is a anti-animal abuse paper from the start.

After you have stated your point, in a sentence such as "Animal rights are very important and animals should serve live alongside humans, not underneath them," you can easily change your thesis. Your thesis "This essay will discuss some arguments for and against animal domestication." is very dry. If you want to capture the attention of the reader/grader, be sure to tell them what is in your paper in more detail, without stating it like you are righting a research paper.

A sentence like "Though there are reasonable uses for animals, the extent to which humans have come to abuse them nowadays is unacceptable and immoral" can replace your thesis and be much more attention grabbing. With this, you are saying that there are great uses for animals (which is what you state in your second paragraph) and also that people have started to abuse animals more and more in recent times (which is what you state in your third paragraph). Also, this allows you to address both sides of the argument without seeming two-sided, as you have already made your point that animal abuse is wrong in your initial statement.

Hope this helps :)

A friend always,

OP dranu78 1 / 3  
Mar 14, 2011   #5
Thanks a lot "TransferringStu ".

I will definitely take into consideration the points you discussed above.

Once again, thanks.
kelp0308 4 / 15  
Mar 31, 2011   #6
I suppose your writing is great and it deserves band 7 if considering the suggestions of 'TransferringStu'.

BTW, I will sit the IELTS test, and i am trying to promote my writing skill.

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