PLEASE GIVE DETAILED COMMENTS ON MY IELTS WRITING.
I have only 10 days left for preparation. All your help would be really useful to me. Thank you!
Why do we need music?
Prompt: There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional usic of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
Response: (272 words)
Humans first approached music million years ago, and since then, multifarious genres of music have been created to satisfy the audience. Personally speaking, music is an inevitable part of our society for various reasons, and traditionally inherited music of each nation should be valued the same as the worldwide type of music.
There is a spectrum of explanations behind the natural desire for music of humans. It is scientifically proven that music helps improve mental health, working and study performances. For example, students who listen to Baroque are reported to receive remarkably better grades than students who solely work with numbers and letters. Moreover, people can express themselves freely through music. Clearly, rhythms, tones and melodies convey meanings and entice people more easily compared to words. Finally, the world could not be as close-knit as it is today without music bringing together people from different walks of life.
It is controversial whether traditional music of a country or international music is more significant in every day's activities. While traditional music belongs to cultural heritage and well represents a country's history and customs, international music, though seems catchier to ears, is often a kind of commercial product produced by entertainment companies exclusively aiming for profits. Additionally, international music is said to make young generations forget about their national identity, thus, poses unexpected threats to the conservation of each nation's peculiarity. However, merely sticking to traditional music definitely restrains learning from the developing world while international music help listeners to assimilate into the modern society and become a global citizen. Therefore, people should respect both kinds of music and make efforts to better them.