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TOEFL IBT Independent Writing: Owning smart phones or not? Your point of view

hain3dessay 2 / 3 2  
Mar 24, 2017   #1
Could anybody review and correct it for me? Thank you very much!

Some parents forbid young children from owning smart phones (cell phones with Internet access), while others disagree and believe that they are important tools for keeping in touch. Which point of view do you think is better, and why?

Easy access to smartphones

Nowadays, technological advances has improved many older or replace outdated inventions. These changes includes enabling cell phones to access the Internet. Many considers it useful for communication and hand these smart phones to children, mostly at school age. This - however - is very harmful to children and can cause serious damage if children are not properly guided.

Firstly, if children are given access to these smart phones at school age, it may interfere with the students' ability to study effectively. Since these phones can connect to the Internet, students might get distracted by games and online videos. For instance, a student who fell victim to the distractions of the Internet may receive grades that are worse than their usual performance. This is why parents should not give children access to smart phones at an early age since it distract children away from learning.

Secondly, children can be tempted to use these phones in a long period of time which can cause damage to their eyes. Without proper monitoring, they can spend hours online reading, playing games or watching videos. In several cases, the children's' eyesight were severely damage and sometimes, the damage proves irreversible. Many of my classmates would spend hours at night online or just staring at the bright smart phone screens for a prolonged period of time. The consequence was not pretty as nearly every one of them had has their phones confiscated and must wear glasses.

Finally, some would argue that smart phones could grant children an easy way to communicate. But the same would hold true for much cheaper cell phones that cannot access the Internet. The main function of communicating with others is basically the same with every phones so there are no reasons for parents to waste money on an expensive smart phone that their children can easily abuse.

In general, I disagree with parents who gives children smart phones because of all the distractions, eye damage and the fact that regular phones can also be used to communicate. There is no reason for parents to waste such a large amount of money on cell phones for children at such a young age.

Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Mar 24, 2017   #2
Hai, you misunderstood the prompt instructions and as such, delivered a related but inadequately presented essay discussion of the topic. This misrepresentation caused your score to fall to a 3. The explanation for this is simple, you were asked to discuss which point of view you believe is better. Instead, you discussed the harm and damage that cellphone use can cause children. What you should have done in the opening statement, was depict which point of view you supported and then explained why in the succeeding paragraphs. If you review your essay, you will find that you did not accomplish the task properly. For some reason though, your conclusion managed to get back on track in the proper discussion of the prompt requirements. The problem, is that the discussion did not belong in the conclusion and your earlier paragraphs already created the mistaken discussion that caused the low score.
OP hain3dessay 2 / 3 2  
Mar 25, 2017   #3
Thank you, it was very helpful.
I will try to rewrite this essay. Could you please take your time to correct the new one for me?

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