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TOEFL IBT ESSAY "Telephones have had more positive effects on human kind than TV


candy890411 1 / -  
Feb 21, 2010   #1
Please look at this toefl ibt essay for me !! Thanks!!

Telephones have had more positive effects on human kind than TV

With the development of science and technology, both telephones and televisions have entered peoples' daily lives. As for which has a more positive effect, different people hold different opinions. In my point of view, the television has more positive effect than telephone and my reason can be listed as follows. television covers all aspects of information in your daily life. We can learn huge amount of information such as technology,entertainment,sports,politics and so on.We get to know what is happening in every corner of the world, thus having a better understanding of the world we live in.For example, there is popular scientific program called "discovery"in our coutry.By watching the program,we can have a basic understanding of the latest scientific reasearches in the world.Whatsmore, television serves us as a tool to spend the time with our family and friends. We watch the entertainment shows,NBA and evening news program and make comment on the programs.I feel the relationship with my friends and family enhanced by watching TV. however, by using the telephone, I can only have communication with a single person and I can't get to know the outside world.

In addition, televisons have more functions than telephones have. We can not only get to know what is happening around world from the television,but also see a lot of advertisments from the television.A program called "selling best products" is quite prevalent in our country.In this program, we can see different kinds of product listed elaborately and if we like one of them ,we can direclty bought it.This saves us a lot of time and the prices of the products are always reasonable.There is another pragram called"children donation" on tv.From this program, we can see those who need help and people who are warm-hearted usually donate money to those children.This program prevent many children from quiting the school and provides a channel for those who want to do meaningful thins for the society.However, compared with what can be done by the television, telephone can only let me have contact with firends and family,which is actually tedious and boring.

Admittedly, it is ture that many people are getting fat becuase they spend too much time sitting in front of the TV. However, we can not blame it for televisions'faults. Anyway, it is peoples'decision rather than the effect brought about by the computer.Whatsmores, a lot of people also get fatter becasue they spend too much time on telephonin. Therefore, it is not reasonable to say televsion is the criminal that causes people get fatter.

Based on discussion above, we can safely concluded that televsion ,as a matter of fact has more positive effects than televsion has and this trend will be inevitable in our society.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Feb 22, 2010   #2
Don't write it all as one long paragraph. Separate it into some 4 or 5 sentence paragraphs:

...telephone, and my reason can be explained in the following way: television covers all aspects of information in your daily life. ---- now, right here, end the first paragraph and start paragraph 2:

We can learn a huge amount of information from television, such as...

Use a capital D for Discovery.
Use a capital letter every time you start a sentence.

Oh, I'm sorry, I see that you did use paragraphs. The first one is too long, though! :-)

...and if we like one of them ,we can directly buy it. This saves us a lot of time and the prices of the products are always reasonable.There is another program called"Children Donation" on television. From this program, we can see...

...with friends and family,which is actually tedious and boring. ---- your friends and family are tedious and boring?!

You should use a spell checker program:
Admittedly, it is true that ...

:-)
your writing is very clear and easy to understand, with only minor mistakes.


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