In this day and age, the number of students ... an unprecedented rate
You are expected to restate the original discussion topic without adding any misleading statements or personal opinions that could alter the content presentation. This sentence is a personal opinion statement that is unsupported by the original topic indicators. Therefore, the paragraph will receive a percentage of point deductions for prompt topic alterations. This means the essay will start its base scoring considerations from a failing score aspect.
The following essay ... the author's voice
Another task percentage deduction since the author does not provide a clear personal opinion where required as indicated by the task accuracy requirements. The lack of the author's opinion, which represents a personal thesis statement was required in this paragraph presentation.
The first paragraph of the essay does not meet IELTS accuracy requirements and will not recieve a passing score. The rest of the essay also lacks discussion clarity. The public opinion is not represented accurately, making the reasoning paragraphs seem to come from a personal opinion standpoint.
The summary conclusion will also receive a failing mark because, rather than providing a discussion recap, the writer has chosen to discuss his opinion in this section. The lack of a proper concluding statement paragraph shows an incompletely developed essay and will result in an overall failing score.
In reference to the closing format, simply saying "In conclusion", but not actually providing the conclusion in the required format indicates the lack of a conclusion. It is not in the correct and expected format and therefore, cannot be scored based on a passing basis.