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MY IDEAL HOME; Apartment surrounded by a few shops and a park


shatha100 1 / 1  
Nov 17, 2013   #1
Hello everybody, how are you?
This is a paragraph about my ideal home. I'd truly appreciate it if you could read it and write whatever you think about and if possible scale it from 1 to 10.

Everyone dreams of an ideal home to live in. I have an image in my mind of what my ideal home would look like. The perfect place to live in as I view it is an apartment that is surrounded by a few shops and a wonderful park nearby. The apartment is located in the center of a city where I could get access to the many different facilities. In despite being in the center of a city I would prefer it to be in the quietest area possible, but I also want it, at the same, time to be a lively area. The apartment is on the third floor of a building and it has a door made out of wood. When you first enter the place you will directly face the shiny living room. It has huge windows that enable the sun to pass through and light the whole room. There is a very comfortable, yet elegant beige sofa. In front of the sofa there is a glass table that has on it a vase that is full of beautiful and fragrant flowers. There are bookshelves, lovely paintings, and a classical wooden clock hanging on an ornate wall that has bright colors and a nice design. On the left there is a small and simple bedroom that only contains a bed, a bed-side table, and lamp. Next to the bedroom there is a closet room where all the clothes and their accessories are kept. Across the apartment and on the corner there is a tiny, yet convenient kitchen. The kitchen has a single big window that overlooks the street. All in all, that was my vision on the idea of a model residence.
tabithamica 2 / 4  
Nov 17, 2013   #2
There are bookshelves, lovely paintings, and a classical wooden clock hanging on ana bright ornate wall.that has bright colors and a nice design . On the left there is a small and simple(I'm assuming this is a different room)In another room, there is the bedroom that onlywhich contains a bed, a bed-side table, anda lamp. Next to the bedroom there is,and a closet room where all the clothes and their accessories are kept. All in all, that wasthis is my vision on the idea of a model residence.

Across the apartment and on the corner there is a tiny, yet convenient kitchen.Across the living room is a small kitchen. The kitchen has a single big window that overlooks the street.
I took this sentence out because it doesn't make sense that you're ending talking about the kitchen after describing what your bedroom will look like. I prefer putting this where you're taking about the living room.

Hopefully this makes sense, this is how I would write it. Make sure not to be too wordy throughout your paper.
OP shatha100 1 / 1  
Nov 18, 2013   #3
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your help.
but would mind explaining why did you cross out some words and sentences especially in the first and second reply?
pakias 5 / 14  
Nov 18, 2013   #4
Nice description and clear one. However, you may use more advanced vocab, in my opinion. Good job!
tabithamica 2 / 4  
Nov 18, 2013   #5
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your help.
but would mind explaining why did you cross out some words and sentences especially in the first and second reply?

Oh sorry! The reason I crossed out some words and sentences is because it's not needed. Make the sentence short, but concise.

I do agree with Pakias that you need to use a more advance vocabulary, depending on what grade you are in. Also, make sure you understand the words you're putting in your sentence, such as, "that enable the sun to," (before I crossed that sentence out and correct it); enable may sound like it fits in along with the sentence but it doesn't. Enable cannot be used because it means authorize, to make possible; you can't make the sun light up the room, it just does on its own. I hope you understand :)


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