Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6


IELT essay - causes and solutions for poor work-life balance


bingle2012 7 / 11  
Jul 17, 2012   #1
Could you please help review my practice. thanks.

Basically, I believe the increasing competition in today's world is responsible for the poor work-life balance of the working class.

First of all, the rising unemployment rate has made acquiring a job rather difficult in recent years. As a result, job security becomes a priority for those in work. This means employees are, in effect, in a disadvantaged position when they are in conflict with their employers, and have to accept any workload assigned to them or they could easily be replaced by another equally skilled person who is eagerly waiting to be employed. Indeed, it is not uncommon for workers to be asked to work overtime but without being adequately payed and without any complaint expressed.

Similarly, the life of employers is not easier. In the midst of the economic recession, they are faced with as fierce competition among competitors in order to survive. Reducing the operational cost would then be of equal importance to them as promoting product sales and qualities. Consequently, they may be forced to cut staff, though the amount of work to be done may keep unchanged.

All these can explain why people have been diverting increasing amount of their time from family to the workplace. Unfortunately, there seems to be no easy solution to this problem as the root cause, the competition, is unavoidable; but there do exist ways to improve the situation, to a more or less degree. Even though working hours cannot be reduced, for example, allowing employees to work flexitime or telecommute can offer them more flexibility while still maintain their productivity. Also, efficiency and innovation -- key factors to the business success of a company -- can be encouraged among the staff if the working environment is comforting and the management lenient, thereby leaving them more time for leisure.

Overall, it is true that the present hardship of the global economy needs individuals as well as companies to fight against; however, clever management can be more desirable than merely enforcing lengthy working hours, for the sake of a better life for employees and employers.
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jul 17, 2012   #2
Basically, I believe the increasing competition in today's world is responsible for the poor work-life balance of the working class.

Is this your introduction?!!!! sorry, but I cannot consider it as an introduction. An introduction should contain the following parts :
1) Motivator: Write an attractive statement at the beginning of the introduction.
2) Thesis statement: Reword the topic. A thesis statement shows the main idea of the essay
3) If this is an agree or disagree topic you should write your opinion(agree or disagree) in this part, but if it is not, you should write your opinion in the conclusion.

4) Blueprint: this connects the introduction to the body. It shows what issues are going to be discussed in the body.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Jul 17, 2012   #3
Basically, I believe the increasing competition in today's world is responsible for the poor work-life balance of the working class.

This seems too short for an intro. You should have a opening statement that introduces the topic to the reader.

First of all, the rising unemployment rate has made acquiring a job rather difficult in recent years. As a result, job security becomes a priority for those in work. This means employees are, in effect, in a disadvantaged position when they are in conflict with their employers, and have to accept any workload assigned to them or they could easily be replaced by another equally skilled person who is eagerly waiting to be employed. Indeed, it is not uncommon for workers to be asked to work overtime but without being adequately payed and withoutleaving room for any complaint expressed.

You display excellent writing skills and have presented your ideas well in this 1st body para. I only wish that you include one or two sentences to link your reason with the topic which further convince your argument to the reader. For example;

Such situations may impose a lot of stress on workers and affect their work life negatively.

You write so well. GOOD LUCK!
April April 13 / 148 22  
Jul 17, 2012   #4
Your grammar and vocab are great! But I have a suggestion for the outline of the essay:

In the intro, restate the topic, and say what this essay is about. For example: [Restate the topic]. This essay will discuss some causes of this trend and put forward some solutions.

Then in the body paragraphs, you should write causes in one para (use transition like "With regard to employers,..." to connect the causes for employers and employees), and solutions in one para.

Also, it would be better if you could add a conditional sentence in the conclusion.

Best
OP bingle2012 7 / 11  
Jul 17, 2012   #5
Thanks guys for your comments and suggestions.
Yes, I agree with you the introduction is too simple from the perspective of academic writing. But as we can see from IELT model answers, it seems to me a fully developed introduction paragraph is not a must.

I also agree with Duminda that consequence of each cause should have been more clearly explained.
jobymonpj 8 / 17 1  
Jul 17, 2012   #6
YES ,it is true that in ielts essay body paras are more important than intro. and conclu. However ,you should introduce the topic before giving your opinion.cohession and coherence are also important if you want higher band.

MY advice is

Just paraphrase the question and give your opinion (in intro. part). A 2 line intro. is more than enough when you write 250 words essay.

This is my personal opinion and the style i am following.I can be wrong.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELT essay - causes and solutions for poor work-life balance
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳