Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 7

IELTSTask1: Music choice VS Pop parade music


ernhy 17 / 28  
Apr 11, 2014   #1
The chart indicates a survey about compared two kinds of new music on internet as long as fifteen days period that people visit. These are music choice and pop parade music with approximately 180.000 respondents.

Starting from music choices at the 1st day until 11th days, music choice fluctuated from 40.000 to 20.000 people that visiting the web, and the next day music choice rose sharply attained 120.000 people but in the end day period its declined dramatically until 40% or 70.000 people visit this web. On other line, we can see pop parade at 1st day until 9th day declined dramatically from 120.000 go down 40.000 people and pop parade rose steadily to 150.000 people until 11th day then fell back slightly in 13th to 80.000 people and the end day period, it was rose steadily to 170.000 people visit this web.

Overall, it can be concluded trend shows fluctuation with slight increased towards the end of the period.




xingshigang 4 / 9  
Apr 11, 2014   #2
I think little bit introduction is necessary
niesaysi 16 / 284 83  
Apr 11, 2014   #3
The chart indicates a survey about compared two kinds of new music on internet as long as fifteen days period that people visit.

The chart indicates a survey showing the number of visits of each music site on the web within fifteen days.

These are music choice and pop parade music with approximately 180.000 respondents.

The graph shows that the two music sites on the web are music choice and pop parade with approximately 180.000 respondents.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Apr 11, 2014   #4
First, you need to improve a lot on the structure. Pahan's guideline is pretty good to follow and I hope you'll re do this according to that and re-post it here for our feedbacks :)

Starting from music choices at the 1st day until 11th days, music choice fluctuated from 40.000 to 20.000 people that visiting the web, and the next day music choice rose sharply attained 120.000 people but in the end day period its declined dramatically until 40% or 70.000 people visit this web.

This sentence is pretty too long. This is your body para that discusses trends in detail with the support of facts and figures. So, when your sentences are too long, then it would extremely difficult for the reader to follow :(
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Apr 11, 2014   #5
three paragraphs for visual writing are not enough to describe what is presented.

we can see pop parade at 1st day until 9th day declined dramatically from 120.000 go down 40.000 people and pop parade rose steadily to 150.000 people until 11th day then fell back slightly in 13th to 80.000 people and the end day period, it was rose steadily to 170.000 people visit this web

It is hard to follow the logical order from this loooong sentence. Break this sentence into two-three parts. By doing so, you help readers easy to understand what you have presented.

here is a link that brings you more closely to good samples for writing task 1:
ielts.org/test_takers_information/test_sample/academic_writing_sa mple.aspx
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Apr 12, 2014   #6
Starting from music choices at the 1st day until 11th days, music choice fluctuated from 40.000 to 20.000 people that visiting the web, and the next day music choice rose sharply attained 120.000 people but in the end day period its declined dramatically until 40% or 70.000 people visit this web. On other line, we can see pop parade at 1st day until 9th day declined dramatically from 120.000 go down 40.000 people and pop parade rose steadily to 150.000 people until 11th day then fell back slightly in 13th to 80.000 people and the end day period, it was rose steadily to 170.000 people visit this web.

For the detailed paras, you should follow some sort of logic in presenting the facts and details. In this case, what you can do a comparison between them in the first body para and then talk about the trends of first graph (e.g. pop parade) in one para and the other in the next para (music choice) in more details . For example;

1st BODY PARA -
Pop Parade website had been visited by a comparatively a larger number of people on the first seven days compared to Music Choice. The statistics show that around 120 million people visited Pop Parade where as only 40 million people visited Music Choice site on the first day. However, both sites have recorded a steep decline after several fluctuations by the 7th day with Pop Parade having around 30 million visits and Musical Choice having around 20 million visits. (you can go on like this on comparing)

2nd BODY PARA
Talk about the trends of Pop Parade
3rd Body para - Music Choice
Eva Novita Sari 47 / 71 2  
Apr 12, 2014   #7
Starting from music choices at the 1st day until 11th days, music choice fluctuated from 40.000 to 20.000 people that visiting the web, and the next day music choice rose sharply attained 120.000 people but in the end day period its declined dramatically until 40% or 70.000 people visit this web.

Hi Pahan,
I think if the statements which are connected with but , you should use coma before it.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTSTask1: Music choice VS Pop parade music