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[IETLS ACADEMIC - WRITING TASK 2] MOBILE PHONE - ANTISOCIAL INVENTION?


tranggnh 1 / 2  
Feb 12, 2020   #1

Cell Phone Essay



The use of mobile phone is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phone should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In today's world, the use of technological devices, especially mobile phone has gained in popularity day by day, which is making significant changes in the lifestyle of humans. It is sometimes claimed that like smoking, mobile phone is antisocial so that it should be banned in certain places. While I agree that the use of mobile phones has some harmful effects, I am also for the idea that it is unnecessary to prohibit mobile phones.

On the one hand, I think that mobile phones can be antisocial in some ways. In my opinion, mobile phones may disturb people in some public locations such as schools or hospitals due to their boisterous sounds when receiving a phone call. Besides, the use of mobile phones can also fracture the relationship among people. For example, nowadays, individuals have a tendency to spend most of their time concentrating on a huge number of applications like Instagram, Twitter or Facebook. Therefore, they rarely hang out with friends and even focus on virtual world than interacting with people in real life, which widen gap between people.

On the other hand, I also believe that the prohibition of mobile phones is inessential because of several reasons. Firstly, it is obvious that mobile devices are not as harmful as smoking since smoking contains a great deal of chemical compounds which are extremely dangerous and can exercise influence on humans' health. Secondly, it cannot denied the outweigh advantages of mobile devices which is that they not only are the fastest, most convenient ways for people to keep in touch with each other but also can make the life easier. For instance, through the navigation system in mobile phone, users can reach their destination quickly instead of using a map. This is absolutely more time-consuming than in the past.

In conclusion, although I agree that mobile phone somehow can against social norms due to its disturbance and the ability of lessening face-to-face communications, I strongly support the opinion of not banning mobile devices because of their outweigh advantages to human.

Well I want to know my writing band so I can set a right aim. I'm extremely confused now so please help me :( Thanks so much.

GATE 1 / 14 7  
Feb 12, 2020   #2
Please refrain using "I/me/myself".
2nd para- try using more ideas and complex structures.for example you can write about " mobile phone as a distracting medium and it has become an extended part of body.people have become habitual of checking their phones every now and then." then talk about the anti social nature it is inculcating in humans. for example - sitting with friends and checking phone,more comfortable to talk virtually than meeting in person etc(talk about how it makes us antisocial).

overall your 2nd para was ok,try to make complex structures and add up some examples.

3rd para- talking about the health issues related to smoking is not relevant to topic.talk about how smoking is not acceptable in society due to the harmful effects it causes others.some words are not making sense in your paragraph like ", it cannot denied the outweigh advantages".

Grammatical errors -"can make the our life easier"
" most convenient ways "
"This is absolutely more less time-consuming than in the past."

4th para- conclusion could've been way better. " mobile phone somehow can against social norms" this is not understandable.

I hope this helps.
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,908 2173  
Feb 12, 2020   #3
When writing a personal opinion paper, as indicated by this prompt, you MUST use first person pronouns in the presentation to indicate ownership of the discussion points. The essay clearly indicates that you are to give a measured response based on your personal knowledge of the issue. In any prompt that uses the reference "you", the expectation of the examiner will be to hear directly from you. Therefore, the first person pronouns must be used in smatterings within your essay discussion.

Try to keep your essay short but informative. Writing over 300 words means you will not be leaving enough time for the editing of your response prior to submission. A 275-300 word paper is always more than sufficient to maximize the scoring potential of your paper. In this case, you wrote a little too much, which could affect the essay in a negative manner just the same. Use a timer to get a better idea of the number of words you could potentially write, without having to watch the clock.

You have not used enough various word representations in the essay to convince the reviewer that you did not just cut and paste or use memorized phrases from the original prompt. You should have looked for alternative words to the terms anti-social and banned in certain places. Those come directly from the original prompt without changes. Therefore you will lose points in the GRA section.

By the way, as a measured response with personal opinion essay, you cannot simply say "While I agree that the use of mobile phones has some harmful effects, I am also for the idea that it is unnecessary to prohibit mobile phones." That is because it does not follow the expected format for the response in this type of prompt. You could have worded your response in the following manner instead:

[i]I partly disagree with this statement due to several reasons.[/i]

Partly means that you have a 50/50 stance with regards to the discussion. Your next paragraphs should reflect that divided opinion on your end. The discussion points you presented are numerous but not fully explained. Hence the cohesiveness and coherence of your discussion was affected, causing confusion for the reader and an under developed discussion path for your presentation. That is too bad because the essay presents good reasons. The problem was the lack of explanation for your reasons.

The last problem for this essay is the lack of proper conclusion. The conclusion should be seen as a summary of your personal discussion points and a reiteration of your stance. The concluding portion was only a run-on sentence, which reflects badly upon your English writing skills.

Possible Score: 5

Reason:
Based on these observations and the requirements of the rubic, it appears that your writing skills consistently fall under the 5 mark. That means the work is acceptable but could use improvement. In order to reach the 6 score, you need to focus on a better discussion ability. Develop your explanations based on a singular or 2 connected reasons in a paragraph. That way you create cohesiveness and coherence in your presentation. That is where your improvement should begin. Learn how to present clearer discussions for your paragraph presentations through the use of topic sentences.
OP tranggnh 1 / 2  
Feb 12, 2020   #4
OMG Thanks for your comments they're really helpful to me. I think I know what I have to do now so I'll try my best to improve my Writing skill.


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