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[IETLS writing] In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing

LadyOfClockwork 30 / 102  
Jun 26, 2017   #1
In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing.
Does this trend have positive or negative effects on society?

More and more elderly people in today's society

Older people have made up more of the population in the west than ever and their share is relentlessly rising. Though they may make extraordinary contributions, the demographic transition has a severe impact on society.

To begin with, it's necessary to clarify what the aging trend actually means. First, it involves larger older population, who, admittedly, are special assets to society for their experience, knowledge, sophistication and growing eagerness to continue working. More Often than not they are the backbone of their fields, as proved by Nobel-winners. The leading figures in science are all at an advanced age.

However, the steady increase in senior citizens also drives up healthcare costs, since the elderly are vulnerable to disease and sometimes suffer from more than one condition at a time. According to the WHO, the over-60s already account for a quarter of the global burden of death and illness. Financial pressure is exerted on sociality. More resources have to be allocated to them and then the share of others is squeezed.

The situation is even worse, given the fact that the higher proportion of the old also involves, though not obviously, lower birth rates and the consequent smaller younger population. In this respect, social institutions for children and adolescents bear the most direct effects. In Japan, for instance, over 400 schools are forced to shut down per year from 2003 onwards.

Labor markets are not spared either, since youths are the major source of workforce. It is certain to shrink when the numbers of younger people reduce. The elderly cannot compensate for the shortage. In general, they are less energetic and ambitious and their physical conditions don't allow them to work as blue collars. Smaller labor force leads to fewer taxpayers. The financial pressure from older people becomes all the more unaffordable.

The conclusion is clear: the comparative increase in older people adds to financial burden and weakens labor force. It causes comprehensive, far-reaching, and above all, mainly negative effects on society.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,856 4178  
Jun 26, 2017   #2
Wang, an IELTS Task 2 essay is limited to only 5 paragraphs composed of a maximum of 5 fully developed sentences. Believe it or not, when you write an essay using a timer and actually write under time pressure, you will find that there is absolutely no way you can come up with 6 paragraphs for an essay. That is because your outlining, drafting, revising, and finalizing of the essay needs to be completed within the 30 minute time allotment. So practice writing using a timer set to 30 minutes at a time. It is pivotal that you practice in an actual exam setting in order to be better prepared for the actual test day.

Based on the aforementioned instructions, you should be able to tell for yourself which among your paragraphs fail the task accuracy and grammar accuracy scoring portion of the test. The opening statement, most of all, requires additional work. You need to better represent the side that you will be discussing as a personal belief on your part instead of leaving the reader to wonder as to whose opinion is being represented. If this is not a personal opinion, then classify it as such as well. These are all part of the outlining of your discussion process that helps to prepare the reader for your upcoming line of reasoning.

Use only practical examples in your essay, do not exaggerate by saying things like "Noble Prize winners" or quoting researched information. Let me remind you that the testing center computers will be locked down and you will not have access to exterior internet sources. Practical examples that come from personal knowledge or experience always impresses the reviewer and also keeps you comfortable enough in your presentation to use better sentence structures throughout your essay.
OP LadyOfClockwork 30 / 102  
Jun 26, 2017   #3
Thanks a lot. Now with your advice I know how to improve my writting.
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Jun 26, 2017   #4
Hi Wang Gang..
I have read your essay closely and found a few improvement you have needed. Turning to your introductory paragraph, you should remove reasons about factors causing increasing older people because it is not important in your thesis statement. It is better if you mentioned why you said that the matter has brought detrimental effects on society. Focus on your prompts given.

Honestly, I really like your explanation of the first reason in the body paragraph. However, your second reason is irrelevant to the topic. You could not say that the number of young people declines because there is a statement about the issue. Please, you concentrate on increasing elder people. Your fourth paragraph also elucidated declining the young people. Your explanation is good, but you could not meet the task responses. Pay attention to the edge of statement and question given.

For your conclusion, your way to display is enough good. You only needed sharpening your understanding about the question.
I believe you can pursue the higher score on condition that you can get the points of the question. Practice more and more.

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