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IETLS-the only way to protect the environment is at an international level


lynnyang 5 / 12  
Apr 18, 2012   #1
Hi everyone, this is my first essay posted here. My goal is to get a 8 in the exam after three weeks.. That is must be very difficult,but I have to work hard on it.

Topic:
Environmental problems are too big for individual countries and individual persons to address. In other words, we have reached the stage where the only way to protect the environment is at an international level. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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Environmental pollution has been deteriorating at an exponential rate.It is believed that this nagative trend can only be slowed down by interntaional cooperation rather than by countries' individual work. However, I suppose both individual and international efforts are paramount to the conservation of environment.

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It is true that many environmental hazards need to be curbed internationlly.For one thing ,given that most enironmental problems are caused by human behaviours gloably,it is less likely for them to be solved by relying on the efforts of few countries. For example, it is mainly the increased greenhouse gas emmisions worldwide that contribute to the global warming.If only few countries reduce their emmisions accompanying by continuous pollution of other countries,this phenomenon will by no means disappear. For another,granted that all countries can make their efforts voluntarily, addressing this problem internationaly can raise more funding and bring together specialists of broader fields without boundar, which makes big environmental concerns to be tackled effectively.

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Nevertheless,contributions of individual countries and individual pereson are not futile in this case. Individual's efforts are necessary to improve environment because the world is made up by individual person and the collective efforts of every individual will make a difference. When everyone swifts from using traditional paper to those made of renewable materials, factories will stop cutting tress, reducing deforestation. Meanwhile, governments are able to take many measures to address problems confined to their own countires.For instance, by imposing stiff penalties ,governments can enhance legislation about discharging industrial waste, detering factories from continuing destroy the invironment.

As a conclusion, in order to solve enviromental issues,neither international efforts and individual contributions can be neglected.

Any one can give me some suggestions?

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Apr 18, 2012   #2
Hi, your essay is well organized and the range of vocabulary was good. In my view, however, your conclusion is not appropriate. First of all, it is too short. Secondly, in conclusion you should reword the first paragraph, and at the end finish it by a sentence which show the essay is finished (this sentence is called "clincher"). In fact, what you write as conclusion is a clincher, but you did not paraphrase the first paragraph.

Regards
A.Zafari
OP lynnyang 5 / 12  
Apr 19, 2012   #3
Thanks for your opinion Zafari, that is very helpful^^
How about this conclude the essay in this way:

As a conclusion, international cooperation is vital for solving invironmental problems, individual countries and person ,however,also have the ability to tackle this issue.
OP lynnyang 5 / 12  
Apr 19, 2012   #4
Thank you so much peter, I will pay more attention to the grammer part next time。
I think I write it too slow, normally use about 8 min to think about the structure and thirty minutes on writing, so I often feel short of time to proof read. How much time do you use for different parts?

BR
Lynn
peterc 14 / 52  
Apr 19, 2012   #5
Hi lynnyang,

I suggest to proofread per paragraph. It's much easier and time-saving :)
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Apr 20, 2012   #6
Hi again, this conclusion has several problems. First of all, you used "however" and "also" sequentially, that makes the sentence unclear. You tried to complete the conclusion just in one sentence. It is better to explain about two sides of the discussion, and then finish the essay by a clincher which can be a "suggestion", "a prediction", "a question". In my idea, u can write a conclusion like this (just a suggestion): "To sum up, it is believed that for eradication of environmental difficulties all across the world not only countries should work together, but also each country or a person can play an important role in this concern. However, international activities are more effective, and if don nothing with regard to this problem at this level, the lives of next generations will be jeopardized".

The last sentence is a prediction about the future that I usually use for ending essays.
trang 4 / 5  
Apr 23, 2012   #7
You paragraph shows a wide range of vocabulary.
YOU should change the concluding sentence like this: In conclusion, international activities is an effective way to eradicate environmental difficulties all across the world rather than any other methods


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