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We shouldn't ignore the underlying danger of spending great amount of time practicing sport; TOEFL


linglinzhang 1 / 1  
Feb 26, 2015   #1
Hi there new friends :)
Since I'm a freshman here I even didn't know how to start a new thread at first...I found the cute button after log in and gained the opportunity to communicate with you guys,it's my pleasure to meet you ;)

I will attend to TOEFL test in April 12 and I am not good at writing...I want to evaluate my writing skill,and gain more proposal of you.

I will appreciate your criticisms and suggestions a lot!
Nice to meet you again ~

Some young children spend a great amount of their time practicing sports. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

It is commonly acknowledged that doing sport is vital in one's life.Many parents send their young children to learn a kind of sports such as tennis and swimming.There is no doubt that practicing sport will benefit the children a lot,but on the contrary,spending too much time training sport will sometimes do harm to the young children,physically and psychologically.My reasons can be articulated as following.

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tantadedanaan 6 / 11 11  
Feb 26, 2015   #2
Hi there!

I think your essay was good. You address all the topics that need to discuss, but I think adding some relevant examples can make your essay more stronger. I will add some few suggestions, I hope it can help you.

It is commonly acknowledged that doing sport is vital in one's life. Many parents send their young children to learn a kind of("a" is an article for singular subject, so whenever you use this word make it sure that your next word is singular in nature.) sports such as tennis and swimming. There is no doubt that practicing sport will benefit the children a lot, but on the contrary(I think using two contradicting words here are quite add, so I removed the next one), spending too much time training sports will sometimes do harm to the young children (use other synonyms for the word "children"), physically and psychologically. My reasons can be articulated as following.

To concentrate on the advantages of practicing sports, firstly I think that practicing sport will strengthen the children's immunity (How can it strengthen the children's immunity? Please elaborate it more.), as young children usually are vulnerable to the pathogens in the air. Also, in some degree, sports develop the intelligence of young children (I think you should explain it more), the coordinati on of body will do good to the growth of brain. In addition, children who love to practice sports do not have enough time to play computer, unlike other childrenyoungster . In their spare time, they choose to do exercises rather than to sit on the sofa staring at the computer screen which is harmful forto theirthechildren's eyes.

However,O n the other hand, spending too much time (in what) is not good for children. Obviously, children need adequate time to read the books , to attend to school and to learn new knowledge.E xcessive devotion to sports will let the children be easy to get easily tired and can't cannot (Avoid using contractions because it will make you use less words.) pay attention to the knowledge that their teacher taught in the class. BesidesFurthermore, young children are in the period of growth at an startling speed, too much body exercises will exceed their physical load, which will evencan break down the body of the young children.their immature body.

AdditionallyOverall, I think that sport is a very personal thing. If a child choose sport as their job infor their entire life, it is undoubtedly wise to practice sport harder . But if a child is just enjoy doingplaying sport, heavy training will kill their enthusiasm to do the sport , and even let them hate the sportitandto the point that they willnever involve in any sport activities again.anymore,thatwhich is a very disastrous consequence. SowePeopleshouldn'tshould not ignore the underlying danger of spending large amount of time practicing sport while children are not willing to.

Some tips of advice:

1. When your writing an essay, it is important to observe proper spacing of each words and sentences. I had seen in your work that you forgot to leave space in your every paragraph. For instance with this one, It is commonly acknowledged that doing sport is vital in one's life.Many parents send their young children to learn a kind of sports such as tennis and swimming.There is no doubt that practicing sport will benefit the children a lot,but on the contrary,spending too much time training sport will sometimes do harm to the young children,physically and psychologically.My reasons can be articulated as following.

2. There are also some repetitive words such as children, sports etc. I suggest that you should use synonyms with those words. For example, instead of using children the whole time, why not change it to other words such as youngster, minors etc.

3. As I said before, adding relevant examples regarding your essay can make your arguments stronger.

4. Avoid using any contraction such as ''shouldn't, can't", this will make you use less words.

5. Practice, practice and practice.

Best of luck :)
OP linglinzhang 1 / 1  
Feb 26, 2015   #3
Dear Alleb,
Thank you soooo much for such patient and careful review for my poor essay! Your suggestions are quite enlightening and useful for me.
Sometimes I just don't know how to add the relevant examples,I am worry about that add an example deliberately will make the reader feel bad for me.In fact,in 30 minutes I usually can't considerate too much,so I am easy to ignore adding more synonyms and giving examples.I have a lot to improve and just as you said,practice,practice and practice.

Still,there is one thing I want to consult you more.As you said that proper spacing of each words and sentences should be paid attention to,so how can I approach this?By using more subordinate clauses or combining short sentences with long sentences?

Thank you sincerely ^ ^


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