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ILLEGAL ENTRANCE - An Incident From my Life


mertak 1 / 1  
Nov 25, 2010   #1
ILLEGAL ENTRANCE

I saw the golden sand on the ground and the shining see. I was very excited. I waited all year for this time, to enter the club which is our meeting point all summer long and one of my favorite place. As my friend got his club card out I was shocked. I remembered that my parents didn't sign me up for the club. Without this club my summer would be the worst summer of my life but there was nothing I could do. Rules were very clear: "You must have a club card to enter the club!" I told my friend that I didn't have a card so we went back.

I felt very upset and hopeless. My friend requested going to a public beach. There was nothing else to do so I accept it. First we went into the sea; it was very cold, so we couldn't stay in long. After we got out, we lay on the beach and chatted. After a while we both got bored so we started to think of new things to do. I looked around, saw couple of horse carriages and then, I saw the club. It looked beautiful. Then suddenly, an idea came up to my mind. I thought I could swim to the shore of the club.

It was not very far, probably a ten-minute swim maximum I thought. I told my friend and he said I could be caught by someone. I first thought about what I should do. If someone caught me, I probably wouldn't be able to become a member. It looked impossible to make it but I think I should try, for a better summer. I gave my t-shirt and my flip-flops to my friend and got into the sea. The sea felt colder than ever and the club seemed so far. I looked for a second and thought I wouldn't make it. I was more pessimistic than ever. When I turned around to get out I saw my friend had gone. Now I had no choice. I must make it, I thought. I started to swim and I speed up. I'm sure that regardless of whether or not I was a good swimmer or loved swimming, I wouldn't be that confident. I didn't feel cold anymore and so I continued swimming without lifting my head above the water. I could see some fish swimming with me and I felt good actually. Just the idea of getting in the club and saw all my friends together gave me chills. When I looked up to see how far I was away from the club, I saw I was very close. I looked up and saw people looking at me. I didn't see my friend and I continued swimming, hoping no employee was around. A few minutes later I reached the club and climbed onto the pier. Then I ran very fast into the crowd through the glances of other people. I didn't care what others think, I felt like a hero, now my summer would be amazing I thought.

I found my friend wore my t-shirt and I told my other friends how I swam and they were thrilled. After this incident I got my self confidence back and I spend my best summer ever. I knew what I did was wrong, but it was a very important step in my life which made me braver and more confident.

______________________________________________________________________ _________

Rubric:
Originality __/5
Introduction __/3
Conflict __/3
Rising action __/3
Climax __/3
Resolution __/3
Significance __/5
Voice and Style __/10
Vocabulary __/5

Please tell me if you find this essay interesting or not, also don't forget to check my grammar.
I will give this essay tomorrow, it is graded as an exam so please be good about it :) Thanks a lot!
saharap 1 / 1  
Nov 25, 2010   #2
I saw the golden sand on the ground and the shining see (do you mean shining sea). I was very excited. I waited all year for this time, to enter the club which is our (who are you referring to?) meeting point all summer long and one of my favorite place. (Maybe a better way you can put this is ... I waited all year for the club the reopen. It was the only the place where my friend and I could hang and play without restrictions from our teachers or parents.) As my friend got his club card out I was shocked. I remembered that my parents didn't sign me up for the club. (Suggestion = I was shocked as my friend took out his club card because it was then that I realized that my parents had forgotten to sign me up for the club.) Without this club my summer would be the worst summer of my life but there was nothing I could do. Rules were very clear: "You must have a club card to enter the club!" I told my friend that I didn't have a card so we went back. (Suggestion = knew that without this club I would be miserable, but there was nothing I could do. The Rules were simple: You must have a club card to enter the club.)

I felt very upset and hopeless. (Suggestion = I was upset and felt hopelss at the same time. )My friend requested (suggested) going to a public beach. There was nothing else to do so I accept it. (Although I did not want to, I accepted.) First we went into the sea; it was very (delete unnecessary word)cold, so we couldn't stay in long. After we got out, we lay (laid) on the beach and chatted. After a while we both (delete unnecessary word) got bored so we started to think of new things to do. I looked around, saw couple of horse carriages and then, I saw the club. It looked beautiful. Then suddenly, an idea came up to my mind. I thought I could swim to the shore of the club.

It was not very far, probably a ten-minute swim maximum, I thought. I told my friend and he said I could be caught by someone. (I told my friend, but he was skeptical; I could easily get caught.) I first thought about what I should do. If someone caught me, I probably wouldn't be able to become a member. (I began to think about the consequences of my actions. If someone caught me, I would lose my chances of ever becoming a member.) It looked impossible to make it but I think I should try, for a better summer. (Although the swim seemed impossible and the danger was high, I was willing to take the risk for a better summer.)I gave my t-shirt and my flip-flops to my friend and got into the sea. The sea felt colder than ever (before) and the club seemed so far. I looked for a second and thought I wouldn't make it. (I looked for a second time and began having doubts.) I was more pessimistic than ever. (I was becoming more pessimistic with every second) When I turned around to get out I saw my friend had gone. Now I had no choice. (But when I turned around and saw that my friend had gone I realized that I had no other choice.) I must make it, I thought. I started to swim and I speed up. I'm sure that regardless of whether or not I was a good swimmer or loved swimming, I wouldn't be that confident. (This sentence doesn't make sense and is most likely unnecessary so I would delete it) I didn't feel cold anymore and so I continued swimming without lifting my head above the water. (As I continued to swim, I realized that I wasn't cold anymore. This was probably because I was so set on making it to the club that nothing would have stopped me, not even the cold water. ) I could see some fish swimming with me and I felt good actually. Just the idea of getting in the club and saw (seeing) all my friends together gave me chills (made me excited and gave me more energy to keep going). When I looked up to see how far I was away from the club, I saw I was very close. (When I looked up to see where I was, I noticed that I wasn't far from the club.) I looked up and saw people looking at me. (But,)I didn't see my friend and I continued swimming (to swim), hoping (that) no employee was (would be) around. A few minutes later I reached the club and climbed onto the pier. Then I ran very fast into the crowd through the glances of other people. (Then I ran as fast as I could through the crowd, ignoring their stares.) I didn't care what others think (thought;), I felt like a hero, (and) now my summer would be amazing I thought (delete).

I found my friend wore (wearing) my t-shirt and I told my other friends how I swam (to the club. Delete "and") and they were thrilled. (!) After this incident, I got my self confidence back and I spend my best summer ever. I knew what I did was wrong, but it was a very important step in my life which (because it) made me braver and more confident.
OP mertak 1 / 1  
Dec 13, 2010   #3
great help men thanks a lot !


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