Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

Toefl essay Image that you have received land


Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 24, 2009   #1
Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill
This is one of the most difficult essay, but i do my best for an exam next month

The question is that

Imagine that you have received some land to use as you wish. How would you use this land? Use specific details to explain your answer.

If I had a lot of land, I would use it for the following purposes. I want to deal in agriculture to increase revenue, build a big house with modern facilities so that my relatives live together happily, and donate it for recreational benefits. Using land for these three reasons makes me know about various benefits that I have never realized before.

To begin with, I have palm fields in my homeland as another source of money. To illustrate, i have many plots of land abandoned, which causes no advantages, but tax collected every month. For this reason, I decide to plant thousands of palm trees which increased money to make a meager living day by day.

Furthermore, having enough money from the palm field, i take a stand on dividing part of the land to bring my cousins to stay together. In the past, all of my cousins lived in a single family. They did not even have a contact with one another. Therefore, I hold a strong opinion to separate vacant land to create a large house that advanced technological appliances such as television, computer, refrigerator and air conditioners. After living here for a while, one of my relatives says that he is very delighted to stay in this residence and willingly express thanks for my help.

More important, I give my unoccupied land to the local administration to build a Saint John Park. After doing my family favor, i begin to think about creating benefits for a society. I figure that I should establish a serene and private park so that people in neighboring areas can have a rest in the free time after struggling with work all day.

In Conclusion, My vacant plots of land would not be useful if they were unoccupied. When taking my decision about the use of land for other aims, i find that I want to get another job to have more money to take my son to a school, create a strong bond among family members and sacrifice my land to happiness of all people in the community.

OP Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 27, 2009   #2
Could anyone revise my essay?

I really need feedback to prepare for an exam next month.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 27, 2009   #3
...donate it for recreational benefits.---this sentence is structured very well! But what do you mean by recreational benefits? Recreation for whom?

Oh, later in the essay, I see that what you mean is this:
...donate it for recreation that would be therapeutic and life-enhancing for the people of the local community.

I have many plots of abandoned land ...

Therefore, I hold a strong opinion that it is important to separate vacant land to create a large house equipped with advanced technological appliances such as television, computer, refrigerator and air conditioners.
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 28, 2009   #4
Thank you for your feedback, Kevin


Home / Writing Feedback / Toefl essay Image that you have received land