lipstick on the wall
I had a bad day on yesterday. When I got home in the evening, as I walked up to the door of my room, I had a strange feeling that something was wrong. I could hear a voice behind the door. When I walked into the room, I saw a big mess. My young sister had used my lipstick to draw on the wall! And that lipstick had cost $50! I got very upset and kicked her out of the room. Her mom was sorry me because her child hadn't known anything. She had paid me $100 and gone before I got upset again.
Hello, this paragraph is very easy to understand. However, it seems too short with 104 words. Is it a assignment given by your high school, or college, or just a piece of writing you come up with yourself?
1. "as I walked up.... ". You should use past progressive here: "as I was walking up to"
2. "My young sister". You mean "my younger sister"? Furthermore, "sister" is not a suitable word here. Later, you write in your paragraph that "her mom was sorry...", which means you and that child do not have the same mother. You may want to raplace it with another word, like "niece" (daughter of your sibling), or "cousin sister" (a female cousin of your own generation)
3. "And that lipstick had cost $50". You should only use past simple here.
4. "sorry" is an adjective, so "sorry me" is grammatically wrong. You should rewrite this sentence, for an example, "apologized to me"
5. "Sha had paid me...". Again, please use past simple here
[Contributor] - / 9,317 2868
I believe that you are writing this for a creative writing class. So you should be writing at least 250 descriptive words for this essay. While this is an acceptable draft, it still lacks in so many ways. You have to remember that when you are asked to write about a bad day, you should set up the story before you get to the climax. So, the writing format should follow something like this:
Par. 1: The background of your day. What was it like? Talk about the whole day. Start from when you woke up. Did you already have an idea that your day was only going to get worse? Why?
Par. 2: Build up to the climax. If there were a series of events that led to the bad day, then discuss the build up. If there was none, then talk about the almost perfect day and why you were disappointed by the way the rest of the day went.
Par. 3: Finally, talk about the bad day. Build up the event for the reader. Make it exciting and interesting. Your writing right now needs more character and depth. Talk about the habit of your sister, if you often broke into your room and how you often reacted. What made your reaction this time different?
Par. 4: Talk about the after effect of the bad day. How did you feel? What did you want to do to your sister? How did you deal with the situation? Were there repercussions for her? What punishments?
Par. 5: Concluding presentation. Talk about the bad day. Reflect on what happened. What did you learn about yourself? Your sister? How you react to situations? Things like that.
If you revise the essay to be livelier and if you work on creating more interesting characters and backgrounds, your presentation should improve tremendously.