I wrote an essay and I hope that you would help me to correct and assess my essay. Many thanks !
Here is the question :
Living in a country where you have to speak a foreign language can cause serious social problems ,as well as practical problems . To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
My Essay :
Ielts writing task 2 : Language barrier
These days , going abroad is increasingly commonplace and many people move to a community in which they have to communicate via languages that are not their mother languages . While it is argued by some that these immigrants would have to deal with a number of undesirable issues when trying to adapt with the society , I still believe that this would bring these people certain benefits in some cases.
There are various undeniable problems that immigrants may face with . Firstly , these people may be totally isolated from the society that they are trying to adapt .A host of settlers will find it reproachful to communicate with others in such a society as they concern that they can be teased at when they can not naturally speak the society's main language . They , consequently , will not practice speaking this language in such ideal environments and will find it hard to make relationships with the native .Secondly , this may have a detrimental impact on immigrants' communicating ability as they may bashfully talk to others speaking the same language when they come back to their home countries . As reported by the University of Vietnam , thousands of Vietnamese students learning abroad can not speak fluently Vietnamese with their family and their friends when they come back to the country . Such unexpected effect happened because these people barely have a discussion with other individuals in the society where they are residing due to the language barrier.
Despite the aforementioned arguments , speaking a foreign language when dwelling in a country still offers some certain values . The first benefit stems from the environment . To people who are proactive and studious , such environments are a superbly ideal for them to practice and learn speaking new languages .Furthermore , this would be valuable for international businesses . If a chief executive officer ,for example , is able to communicate with his partner from a foreign corporation by the partner's mother language , the contract that they are yearning would be easily done because they find a mutual sympathy through the same language .
In conclusion , although speaking a foreign language when going abroad may yield a plethora of problems , this still offers several desirable benefits in some certain respects .
Hoping for your feedback .Hello @zhongruansg, good to see you
I have a few feedbacks, hope that helps
1) Task response: For the "what extent agree do you agree/disagree part" you just need to support one idea. It will be clearer for the examniner to see your idea. This essay did not address the question fairly, I'm afraid, as the idea you support has not been developed in depth. It is even shorter than the opposing idea. You may lose your mark here. Also some of the idea is not fully developed which make it hard for the reader to keep track (e.g.: the prompt is about speaking a foreign language but in one of your sentences you mentioned they can barely speak their own language, which is quite unrealted to the topic without further explanation. Shouldn't they be more comfortable speaking their own language if they have difficulty speaking a foreign one? Instead, you can say it create a detrimental effects to their mind and eventually lead to depressions, making them unable to share their ideas with others, even if they are his people)
2) Cohesion: I can see you use linking devices so that's the bright point.
3) Lexical Resource & Grammar: Your vocabulary is wide and a lot of grammar structures were used. You may try to improve by learning collocation related to the subject to increase your band
